A while back, I wrote a column on what might happen if Microsoft loses its battle with the feds. At the end of the column, I asked readers to send in their own ideas, with a promise that I would print the better ones. And here they are:

Microsoft is forced to exercise its monopoly only on odd numbered days. The result: Every other day, NT servers crash mysteriously, Windows 98 refuses to recognize obscure devices (like hard drives), and Exchange routes every third mail item to santaclaus@northpole.com. But the other half of the time, everything works perfectly—an astonishing improvement in the performance of all Microsoft products. (Freeman Ng, Oakland, CA)

The courts require Bill Gates to make the following public proclamation: "Microsoft has preformed an illegal operation and will be shut down." (Lockwood Colt, Dallas, Texas)

The courts force Bill Gates to sell off Microsoft bit by bit. He uses the money to start a new company, Nanosoft, which markets a Unix derivative named Mynux. Unlike most Unix variants, MYnux proves to be extremely unstable and prone to crashes. What’s more, it requires a Pentium VI 1.5 GHz CPU with 640 MB of RAM, a 150GB hard drive, and a ZGA monitor with 20MB of video RAM. Nanosoft defines an "operating system" to include "all ancillary application software" as well as the Nanosoft natural keyboard, mouse, printer, and any abandoned beta versions of Microsoft Bob. (Alan Morrison, Santa Clara, CA)

The settlement insists that Bill Gates, Steve Balmer, and Paul Maritz participate in a men's retreat where they can get in touch with their feelings by smearing themselves with mud, howling at the moon, and watching football games. Microsoft loses its competitive edge after it starts stocking free beer for employees. (Name withheld due to a deep sense of shame)

Bill Gates is taken to the White House, publicly put over Hillary's knee, and spanked. (Gregory W. Brewer, Houston, Texas)

The courts require Microsoft to open Windows’ source code. Red Hat immediately packages a $49.95 version of the OS with a few essential utilities and hot games that only work with Red Hat’s own proprietary enhancements. Red Hat eventually changes the look and feel of its proprietary Windows version, and files suit against other software developers for infringing upon it. (Freeman Ng, Oakland, CA)

To teach them the error of their ways, Microsoft employees are forced to install and maintain their own computers and software. If they need technical support, they must call a long distance phone number staffed by illiterates who have never seen a computer. Anyone at the level of manager or above must do all their work with Microsoft Bob and Works. Also, Bill Gates’ work and home phone number are included with each copy of Windows. (Chuck Rush, Ft. Worth, Texas)

Moments before the final court ruling, a little snippet of code hidden in every Microsoft program ever written activates, causing every computer on earth to display the message "If you want to see your data again, you must accept Bill Gates as Ultimate Ruler of the Universe." In a coordinated effort, the armies of many countries attack Redmond, but all military options fail because they are all dependent on Microsoft software. Reluctantly, everyone accepts Gates’ authority. (Michael Seth McReynolds, Atlanta, Georgia)

The government outlaws Windows, so Microsoft moves its operations to Central America. Smuggling Windows north becomes a illegal industry, disrupting the economies of several third-world countries. While the upper classes continue to use Windows, turf wars break out in tough neighborhoods over who has the right to sell the precious CD-ROMs on what street corner. Finally, a "War on Windows" is declared, and politicians fall all over themselves with oaths of their own devotion to the cause. One even gets elected president despite a confession that "I booted up, but I didn’t click Start." (Scott Packard, Buena Park, CA)

Windows is outlawed. Desperate to salvage its product line, Microsoft quickly converts its applications software to run in DOS character-based mode. Everything instantly starts running 100 times faster, and everyone lives happily ever after. (Freeman Ng, Oakland, CA)

They should give it all to me, me, me, meeee!!! (Sean Girling, Lincoln, England)

AOL buys Time-Warner, making it the dominant company in the industry. That same week, Bill Gates resigns as CEO and…forget it. No one would believe that one. (Lincoln Spector, Berkeley, CA)

© Copyright 2000 by Lincoln Spector

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