GigglebytesGigglebytes
by Lincoln Spector
July, 2003
The Speeding Card
Private consultant Mack Rowe investigates suspicious video card benchmarks
The night was as black as the blue screen of death. I had lost over $500 so far in the regular Thursday night weekly poker game, and I knew that damn program wasn’t about to let me win it back. The name is Rowe. Mack Rowe. Private consultant.
I was wondering if the computer was bluffing when a strange man entered my office. “Are you Mack Rowe?” he asked.
I tossed a cigarette into my mouth and lit it with a blow-torch. “That’s me,” I said, leaning back in my chair putting my feet up on the desk, “what can I do for…”
My question was interrupted by a loud bang. My feet hit the ground instantly. So did my desk’s roll-under keyboard tray, broken from the weight of my legs.
“What can I do for you?”
“My name is Sam Iam. I’m Product Manager at NoVideo Systems for Graphic Boards and Needless Technologies.”
I immediately knew where he was heading. The scandal had been all over the press. The big benchmarking company JustaGuess Laboratories had accused NoVideo of writing loaded drivers—software that ran their boards through JustaGuess’ tests like greased lightening, but otherwise moved pixels around like last year’s CD burner.
“I need your help, Mr. Rowe. I need you to prove my innocence. I need you to prove NoVideo’s innocence. I need you to prove that I didn’t really send out eight million Spams promising large breasts and better credit.”
I let the breasts-and-credit e-mail thing go without comment. No need to mention that I’d actually opened one of those message. “So what’s the story?”
He took out a piece of paper. “Let me read the following statement. ‘NoVideo Systems categorically denies that we ever tailored our FullForceWMD video card to test well in JustaGuess’ benchmark tests. NoVideo would also like to point out that as we are not involved with designing JustaGuess’ tests, and therefore had no choice but to write our drivers for optimum performance with their benchmarks.”
I said I’d do it for $500 a day plus expenses. I didn’t mention that the expenses included a Lear jet.
The next day I paid a visit to the JustaGuess lab. I gave my card to the receptionist and said I needed to see the president of the company, Jimmy D. Counter. “All right, Mr. Rowe,” she said, “please have a seat and he’ll be with you in a minute.”
But I wasn’t taking it. “Is that what you say to everyone, doll-face?”
She stood up and I realized she was 6 foot 8. She picked me up and threw me against the wall. Then she sat down and smiled at me. “Mr. Counter will see you, now.”
The man in the lab coat ushered me into his office and sat down behind the desk. “What can I do for you, Mr. Rowe?”
“I want to know the story behind NoVideo. What did they do?”
“Their drivers are very suspicious. They appear to have shortcuts that have no practical value outside of speeding up our tests.”
“Are you sure it’s intentional?”
“One of these speeds up the display of our copyright notice.’”
I decided to try a different approach. “What about that other big graphics card company, ATE? How do they do so well on your tests?”
“They didn’t steal our code, if that’s what you mean. As part of our special Pay Us Or Else program, they simply provided us with detailed specs on their cards and we designed our tests accordingly.
“And now, Mr. Rowe, your time is up.”
He pushed a button on his desk. “Helga?” The receptionist came in, picked me up, and threw me through the window.
I dusted myself off and went to see my client. I found him in his office, counting microseconds. When he was done I asked him the $64 question, point blank: “Where can you get a good sandwich around here?”
After lunch, I asked him how JustaGuess’ copyright got into NoVideo’s code. He took out the piece of paper. “‘NoVideo Systems categorically affirms that we did not tailor…’”
“Can the sweet talk, big guy,” I said. “Have you been sweetening your card to win benchmarks?”
“No, Mr. Rowe, we’ve sweetened them to win customers, and winning customers just happens to require us to win benchmarks—at least if we want to sell our cards for more than they’re worth.”
I jumped out of my chair. “You’re a lousy cheat, Iam, as lousy as ATE and JustaGuess! You don’t care what happens to your customers as long as they buy your filthy cards!”
“We’re an honest company,” he responded calmly. “We say on the box that our card beat all other graphics cards in JustaGuess benchmarks. Can we help it if people use the card with software other than that for which it was built?
“And now, Mr. Rowe, I’d like you to meet our new receptionist—just started working here this afternoon.” He pressed a button on his desk. “Helga?”
But this time I was ready for her. By the time she’d opened the door I had jumped out the window.
I lit another cigarette as I walked back to my office. What a dirty business I was in. maybe I needed to find a more honest line of work. Like popular music—or politics.
© Copyright 2003 by Lincoln Spector