And what a week it's been! In the first round, 23 contestants tried to move highly-formatted text from Microsoft Word to Microsoft Publisher through Microsoft FrontPage and finally into Microsoft Outlook Express. In round two, the remaining 11 contestants tried to hide the Windows XP taskbar so that it stayed hidden.

And now, for the final round, the four remaining contestants will prepare to transfer programs, data, and settings from old, Windows 98 computers to new, XP-based ones. What an exciting challenge this will be!

Before we begin, let's take a look at the four amazing geeks who made it this far. Every one of them is deserving of that ultimate award that every computer professional craves: a real job with benefits.

Franklin D. Nokworthy is a system analyst from Newark, New Jersey. He specializes in online database security and last worked in 2001.

Shirley Pitts is a freelance journalist specializing in new technology. In the last eight years, she has been published in 16 computer publications, three of which have not gone under—yet. She hails from a Massachusetts town with an unpronounceable name.

Snitz Edwards is a househusband from El Paso, Texas who personally asked me not to mention that.

Our final contestant, Elmore Gnu, is a man with real staying power. This programmer from Palo Alto, California hasn't worked since 1999!

Okay, folks, the big moment is at hand. The finalists are settling in front of their desks. Their hands are poised at their keyboards…the referee is raising the starting gun…and…

The gun is fired! Wow! This is exciting! The bullet smashed into the audience and wounded AOL Founder Steve Case! Listen to that crowd roar!

But our finalists aren't paying attention to the crowd. They're examining their Windows 98 machines and deciding where to go from there.

What's this? Gnu is booting his XP machine and digging out a floppy. Can you imagine that, folks—he's actually going to use XP's migration wizard! What guts!

Nokworthy, meanwhile is taking the methodical approach. He's examining the Start menu and taking notes—on paper, no less. Now he's going to the software shelf located behind the contestants. He's going to reinstall a program from scratch!

So is Pitts! They're fighting over Microsoft Office XP! Wait…now Nokworthy's grabbing a copy of Norton SystemWorks, instead. That will keep him occupied for awhile!

And just look at Edwards! He's gone to sleep.

Five Days Later

We appear to be in the final stretch of the Windows Olympics, and what a week it's been! It's a rare treat to watch brilliant nerds successfully wrestle a computer to the ground, and this event is no exception! Neither Nokworthy, Pitts, nor Gnu has slept in the last five days, staying awake on a diet of coffee and canned chili. Edwards, meanwhile, has taken an opposite approach and remains sleeping.

Pitts hit a roadblock right after installing Microsoft Office XP on the new machine. The old system had Office 95 and an extensive collection of Word Basic macros, but Office XP uses Visual Basic for Application. Since Word Basic and VBA are both Microsoft versions of the same language, this requires an extensive rewrite.

Nokworthy, meanwhile, avoided this bottleneck by using the traditional Information Services method of dealing with user-created macros—he deleted them.

But Nokworthy's experience hasn't been completely trouble free. His 98 machine contains 18 properly-registered shareware programs, but the registration codes are nowhere to be found. So far, he has e-mailed pleas for help to 16 one-person companies that no longer exist.

Gnu, meanwhile, appears to have given up on his Migration Wizard strategy. The first eight times he tried it, the Wizard crashed Windows 98. He then attempted to install XP on the old computer, but attempting Product Activation brought down a squadron of Microsoft lawyers.

He's now trying to install the old hard drive into the new computer, presumably to transfer files and settings—if he can find documentation on changing the drive's status from master to slave. Uh oh, he's just dropped a jumper!

But wait! Nokworthy is getting up. He's taking his cup to the kitchenette. Will it be more coffee? Nope, this time it's bourbon. I believe he's out of the competition.

Gnu's got the old drive in place in the new computer…he's turning on the computer…he's watching the old drive go up in flames…he's leaning on his desk, crying. That's two out and two to go.

Wait a minute. Something's happening with Pitts' system. Could it be? Is it…? Yes, folks, she's done it! Some unknown program is conflicting with an unidentified driver that doesn't agree with an obscure Registry listing. Clicking the Start button now brings her the blue screen of death! Isn't this exciting, folks? She'll have to start from scratch!

But she isn't starting from scratch. No, she's reprogramming both computers with a pickaxe.

And that leaves Snitz Edwards the winner of this year's Windows Olympics! The referee is racing onto the field to wake him up and congratulate him. As the winner, he will be rewarded with 15 minutes of fame and the right to sell his soul to advertisers.

Good night, folks. This is someone you never heard of reminding you that it's not whether you win or lose, it's how the media responds.