But who stole and posted 600 MB of top-secret code? According to one theory, Microsoft was unwisely sharing its code with a questionable company named PiratedSoftware.com. Still others believe the posting was part of a complicated scheme to embarrass Bill Gates, or at least see if he was capable of embarrassment. Or the whole thing may have been an accident; some employee may have thought he was uploading family photos.

Now all Microsoft has to do is get its code back. This is a bit like recapturing every last cockroach that scurried away when you dropped Miss Havisham's wedding cake. And Microsoft, as we all know, is much better at releasing bugs than controlling them. Redmond's solution, hiring lawyers to snarl at anyone who visits the wrong Web site, may prove ineffective.

Which leads me to the big question: What does Microsoft have to hide? As a good journalist, I downloaded the purloined code from www.we_post_a_lot_of_illegal_things_and_dont_care.org and spend a good half hour perusing it. Here are some of my choicest findings:

A Major Security Flaw

There's a previously undiscovered breach in Internet Explorer's security system, one that Microsoft hasn't yet covered up with a breach cloth. A hacker can insert hidden code into an innocent-looking bitmap on the Web—say, a photo of my Uncle Melvin naked. Once you bring up the picture, the code can upload all sorts of private information from your hard drive, including credit card numbers, bank statements, and minesweeper scores.

The results can be devastating. Not only is your privacy violated and your money stolen, but you're forced to look at my Uncle Melvin naked.

Steve Ballmer's Resumé

If you worked for the company that released Windows ME, you'd be looking elsewhere, too.

Secret Windows Features

We were right! Windows can do all sorts of tricks Microsoft never told us about. Just a few functions non-Microsoft programmers weren't supposed to know about:

• SendDontSend: Closes the running application with a dialog box displaying dummy "Send" and "Don't Send" buttons, thus creating the illusion that the user has a choice.
• MessRegistry: Changes vital Windows Registry settings at random intervals.
• PreMatureWithdrawal: Ejects CD-Rs and -RWs in middle of the writing process.
• MakeUpStuff: Random number generator used for displaying error messages.
• TerminateSystemDeviceApplicationErrors: Runs application in a way that cannot possibly crash or adversely affect another program. As near as I can tell, this function has never been used.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

So that's where they were hidden! I notified Karl Rove at once, of course. He thanked me and promised to consider the vital issues involved, such as whether American voters would favor President Bush if he declared war on Microsoft.

MS-DOS

But you already knew that.

Another Major Security Flaw

A vulnerability in Outlook Express allows e-mail-borne viruses to infect your mouse. Once infected, the device can move about and click at will, completely taking over your computer. In extreme circumstances, an infected mouse can jump up and strangle the user.

Worse yet, the virus can spread from one mouse to another via flea bytes.

CodeFill

Whenever you click the Start button, load an application, or try to actually get some work done, this curious subroutine leaps into action, generating and then running millions of lines of code that don't actually do anything. The result, of course, is that stately, meditative performance for which the OS is justly famous.

But CodeFill does more than merely give Windows its signature performance. By guaranteeing a unique, constantly-changing set of instructions, it gives the operating system that exciting, unpredictable, will-it-work-this-time feel that we've all learned to associate with the word Windows.

Another Book by Bill Gates

Thought @ the Speed of Windows explains how you can succeed in business by giving Microsoft all of your money. Also included are sample chapters from the two forthcoming installments to his classic "Road" trilogy, The Road Behind and The Road Not Taken.

Competition Elimination

When you install an application, Windows looks for a Microsoft copyright. If one isn't there, Windows randomly blocks access to a few select ports and one really good sherry.

Jimmy Hoffa

Yep. He's there.

Internal IM Records

The Windows' code is filled with instant messaging records from Microsoft's own company network. In addition to discussions of who is sleeping with who and why they're spending a third of their day sleeping instead of working, there's a fascinating debate on whether drives in 3.5-inch bays should be allowed to interface directly with drives in 5.25-inch bays. This was apparently a very hot topic—no one at Microsoft could agree on the merits of bay marriage.

Yet Another Security Flaw

Due to previously undiscovered shortcomings in Windows, a hacker can gain access to your system and all of your private files by breaking into your home and acquiring all of your passwords at gunpoint.

Well, those are the most interesting findings. I have to go now. Microsoft attorneys have just broken down the door. I just hope they don't want any of my passwords.