Gigglebytes: Robert, what is the mission of the We Own Everything Coalition?

Robert Lawbender: The purpose of the We Own Everything Coalition is to protect innocent and defenseless copyright holders from the extreme and unacceptable dangers created when the talented artists we control create entertainment that other people enjoy.

GB: And these innocent copyright owners are??

RL: Disney, Time Warner, MCA—the people who make our culture what it is today.

The problem is that digital technology, and specifically the Internet, allow vast numbers of people to freely exchange music, video, and, as bandwidth improves, sports cars. Part of our job is education. We have extensive programs to teach people that when they download an .mp3 or share a video clip, they're taking money from corporations.

You've probably seen the ads we run in movie theaters. An executive explains how much he enjoys greenlighting 100 million dollar projects, but that Tom Cruise wants a piece of the gross in addition to his 20 mil, and that if you download movies, you're taking fuel out of somebody's humvie.

These ads have a real effect on the audience—everybody boos. But do the ads modify behavior? It's hard to say. Your average citizen isn't as easy to manipulate as your average politician.

GB: Didn't the problem began with people sharing music on peer-to-peer networks?

RL: Well, actually, the problem began with amateur musicians playing music in their own homes. This is an ancient crime, going back we believe to prehistoric times.

But recently, yes, the problem is file sharing. One way we fight it is by working with legitimate download sites like iNap. These are great because not only do people pay for the songs, but the sites limit what you can do with them. For instance, songs downloaded from MusicCash can only be played on the computer you downloaded them to—provided it has the MusicCash Media Player.

But not everyone is willing to play by the rules, which is why we must also sue our best customers.

GB: What about DVD copying?

RL: Its clear that current laws aren't sufficient in stopping this horrendous crime. That's why the We Own Everything Coalition supports the Digital Medieval Copyright Act. Anyone caught copying a DVD, distributing software to aid in the copying of DVDs, or photostating the label on a DVD will be hanged from their thumbs and forced to watch Britney Spears videos.

GB: Isn't that a violation of the Geneva Convention?

RL: Not if we label these people as enemy consumers.

GB: A lot of people are worried that current copyright enforcement violates their right to fair use. What's your take on that?

RL: The Coalition has full respect for customers' fair use rights, as long as they don't actually use them. This own-but-not-use policy also, we believe, extends to our DVDs.

GB: Why would anyone buy a DVD that they're not allowed to use?

RL: Isn't it obvious? To increase our profits.

Actually, we've loosened up a bit on our insistence on a no use policy. Market studies have shown a reluctance on the part of some consumers to buying products with large red labels stating "Do not use this product under penalty of law!" So now we're just trying to keep people from copying their DVDs.

GB: And what are people doing with these copies?

RL: Most of them are using them as backups—protection against scratched discs—a clear violation of our digital rights. But we don't object to all copying. It's perfectly okay to use these backups as coasters. Not that we recommend that our customers use perfectly good DVDs as coasters—that's what the scratched ones are for.

What people must understand is that copying DVDs is as evil as recording a television show with a VCR or TiVo.

GB: But people have been doing that for years, and the courts long ago concluded that such time-shifting is legal.

RL: It depends on what times they shift. We don't object to the slow, reasonable way people shift show times, only the extremely fast way they shift the time we show them commercials. We're supporting a new law that will require mandatory thumb testing to flush out repeat fast forwarders.

GB: Let's talk about copyright extensions. The Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act added twenty years to all existing copyrights. How does that affect…

RL: It didn't do nearly enough. What's twenty years in the life of a corporation? Besides, why didn't it extend copyrights that had already expired. Do you realize that neither Disney nor Time Warner owns the rights to Shakespeare's plays?

But we're working on fixing that. Soon we'll be suing every theater company in the world.

And let's not forget all of the Bibles that are sold and even given away without permission. Do we have any proof that Moses or Matthew didn't intend MCA to own the rights indefinitely?

GB: Mr. Lawbender, that's about all the time we have. Anything else you'd like to say?

RL: Yes. Who owns the rights to this interview. We'd like to sue you.