Global Attritioning Satellite
Lose yourself with GPS!
Originally posted on Byte.com
November 1, 2004
| FADE IN: SIDEWALK BLAND: Good evening, ladies and gentleman, this is Bertrand Bland welcoming you to another broadcast of Better Opportunities with Micro Business. This week on BOMB, we're on the road with traveling salesman Skip Overit, watching how he uses a Global Positioning Satellite to help him navigate his rounds. Hello, Skip. Exactly what do you sell? OVERIT: Self-esteem. I work for the Lookingood, Outasite, and Denial Company, travelling from town to town, visiting retail boutiques, and making sure that no store is lacking self-esteem. BLAND: And how does GPS—or Global Positioning Satellite—help you in your work? OVERIT: Well, this gadget I'm holding in my hand is called the Timbuck II, and it's… BLAND: It's a satellite, right? Wouldn't it be more useful in space? OVERIT: No, Bert, this isn't a satellite. It's a receiver. It finds multiple satellites in the sky, and uses them to calculate my location. BLAND: You mean I can use this little thing to find you? OVERIT: No, but I can use it to find myself. BLAND: Always important in the self-esteem business. CUT TO INSIDE CAR. OVERIT BEHIND THE WHEEL. OVERIT: The first thing I have to do, since my car didn't come with a built-in GPS unit, is attach the Timbuck II's mounting arm to the dashboard. You see this suction cup here? I press it against the dashboard, push down this lever, and—it falls right off. So I attach it to the windshield. BLAND: How much does a Timbuck II cost? OVERIT: This one cost me $983.58… BLAND: What do you think of that, folks? For that tiny amount of money you need never be lost again! OVERIT: …plus an additional $158 for the map CD… BLAND: Isn't that wonderful! For just—$1139.50 you need never be lost… OVERIT: …$239.68 if you want a map with actual streets on it. BLAND: Well, Skip, while we've been talking, you've managed to attach the mounting arm to the windshield, the Timbuck II to the mounting arm, and through this strange cable the cigarette lighter to the Timbuck II. Wow! It even lights cigarettes! OVERIT: Now I need to tell the Timbuck II my destination—which requires unplugging the cable and removing it from the mounting arm. Our first port of call is Emily's Emotions, a faux high-class shop at 4328 Kumquat St. in the town of Koozelstackandstandalot. You see, I just remove the stylus, press this button here, and tell it what city I want to go to. K…O…O… BLAND: Do you have to type the entire name of the city? OVERIT: No. I press this and I get a selection. See. "Kooa, Kooltowne, Kooperate?" There we are: Koozelstackandstandalot. We select it, and pick the street and house number the same way. BLAND: You pick the city, then the street, then the house number? Doesn't that confuse the post office? OVERIT: Now I pop the Timbuck II back in its mounting arm, we wait for it to find the satellites and get its bearings, and we can be on our way. BLAND: How long does it take to get its bearings? OVERIT: A minute or two. FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER. BLAND: Has it found those satellites yet? OVERIT: Any minute, now. BLAND: Does it know to look up? OVERIT: Well, it's a little more…Wait. There it goes. TIMBUCK II: Go straight. BLAND: Is it talking about my sexual orientation? OVERIT: No, it wants us to drive forward. TIMBUCK II: Go straight. BLAND: But we're in a driveway and facing a wall. OVERIT: It doesn't know that. Let me back out and get onto the road. BLAND: But which way will you go? OVERIT: South, of course. You think I drive anywhere without checking a roadmap? TIMBUCK II: When possible, turn around. OVERIT: Gee, maybe it knows a different route. I'll just do a u-turn right here and…There we go. Now we're heading in the right direction. TIMBUCK II: When possible, turn around. BLAND: Well, I see it's working wonderfully. So tell me, can you change the voice? OVERIT: It's got two voice options, "Persistent" and "Annoying." The next version is supposed to offer celebrity voices; I'm hoping for Louis Armstrong or Mae West. TIMBUCK II: Turn left. BLAND: Where are we going? OVERIT: I don't know. But I'm sure it will get us where we're going. AN HOUR LATER BLAND: Any idea where we are? OVERIT: Not the foggiest. BLAND: Isn't the Timbuck II displaying a map? OVERIT: Probably, but it's not visible in direct sunlight. If we remain lost after dark, I'll be able to read it. TIMBUCK II: In 200 yards, go straight. BLAND: What does that mean? OVERIT: You see that fork in the road ahead. We need to decide if we're going left or right. TIMBUCK II: Go straight. OVERIT: Okay, I'm going left. TIMBUCK II: When possible, turn around. OVERIT: Okay, I'll turn around and go right. TIMBUCK II: Go left. OVERIT: Fine! I'll go left! TIMBUCK II: When possible, go strai… THUMP BLAND: What happened? OVERIT: That bump in the road dislodged the Timbuck II. It fell on the floor. BLAND: Maybe we should stop and find it. OVERIT: Good idea—I just found it. It's lodged under the brake. We can't stop. Is that a cliff, up ahead? TIMBUCK II: Go straight. BLAND: Thank you, Skip, for this fascinating demonstration. And to our TV audience, my replacement will see you next week on BOMB. © Copyright 2004 by Lincoln Spector |