Gigglebytes -

Lincoln suggests tongue-in-cheek gifts for the technically overindulged
Originally posted on Byte.com November 7, 2005

The Holiday Season is almost here. (Actually, since I'm Jewish, the Holiday Season has already passed, but for the rest of you, the Holiday Season is almost here.) It's time to pull out those credit cards and prove that love really can be bought.

But you can't buy your 21st-century loved ones a nutcracker. At least, not if it doesn't play .mp3s, display its locations on a world map, and warn you about the saturated and unsaturated oils within the various nuts. Here are some more appropriate gifts for the traditionally untraditional.

iProd Maxi
The latest pocket player from KumQuat Kumputers can carry over 80 million songs—provided none run longer than 30 seconds. It can also present pictures, play videos, and carry pocket change. The iProd Maxi will run for up to 15 minutes between battery charges, and as much as 90 between battery replacements. Other pocket players may do more and cost less, but they're not KumQuat iProds.

Paniconic Portable DVD Recorder
Now your loved ones can do more than just watch movies while driving to work: they can record them. The Portable DVD Recorder copies the contents of any DVD into its amble 256 MB of memory, letting you easily remove the source disc and insert the target for swift and easy copying (some swapping may be necessary; the Paniconic cannot copy protected DVDs such as every one you own). The Recorder comes with a giant 4-inch screen and an awesome, surround stereophonic 1-inch speaker.

Blacknblue PDA Phone
Help that special person discover that a telephone can be more than just a lousy camera you can talk to. A fully functional PDA, the Blacknblue checks your e-mail automatically every five minutes, then plays its "Fire Alarm" tone to tell you that there's no new mail. Surfing the web is as easy as reading complex pages on a 3-inch screen. And if distinctive ringtones aren't enough, the Blacknblue is the first cell phone to support a wide variety of ringsmells. Packed with more features than any other phone, the Blacknblue is guaranteed to fit in some pockets.

Seppuku IB1-4Q2 73-inch HDTV
Isn't it time your loved one enjoyed every pixel of image quality stored in that old VHS tape? By rear-projecting an image created with Seppuku's patented Liquid Digital Gas Crystal Projected Plasma Display technology, this massive television can present a huge, half life-like image to anyone sitting directly in front of it. The 18 connectors (including composite video, component video, and combustible video) allow just about any image source to plug into the IB1-4Q2; some of them might actually work. And by converting your 4x3 video feeds into 16x9, the IB1-4Q2 enhances self-esteem by making glamorous movie stars look as fat as you. For maximum enjoyment, give this gift to someone who lives in your home.

Casino WadShot Digital Camera
Most digital cameras look like they were designed for taking great-looking photos, but the WadShot was made for taking photos while looking great. The 8-kilopixel WadShot sports an elegant design that few can match, fitting neatly into the palm of your hand the way a baseball fits into a garbage disposal. The automatic flash and 2x digital zoom guarantee that every picture will be visible.

Photostop Elephants
Know anyone who's constantly taking pictures? Does it drive you crazy? Them, too; their hard drive is probably bursting with thousands of disorganized photos. But once they've installed this simple Windows program and debugged their Registry, they need only go through their pictures one at a time to assign each a rating (Excellent, Good, Fair, Poor, and NC-17) and a descriptive passage. When they're finished (in most cases, only a matter of years), their hard drive will be bursting with thousands of rated and described disorganized pictures. But Photostop Elephants is more than an organizer; it's a photo-editor that lets them improve upon their camerawork. Yes, when you give Photostop to a loved one, you're not only saying "You take too many pictures," you're adding "and they're lousy, too."

Overload RazorEdgeSlide 494
The gamer on your list needs the ultimate personal power PC, and that ain't no laptop. So buy them the most powerful personal computer available, the Overload RazorEdgeSlide 494, with a 4 Ghz Asphyx 64 processor, 1.5 GB of RAM, twin 256 GB hard drives, and… Excuse us, but Overload Circuits has just announced the Overload RazorEdgeSlide 495, with a 4.2 Ghz Asphyx 64 processor, 1.7 GB of RAM, twin… No, wait, the gamer on your list needs the RazorEdgeSlide 495 Deluxe, with a 4.5 Ghz processor, 1.8 GB of… Just wait until December 24, and buy the most expensive computer you can find. It's bound to still be acceptable come Christmas morning.

Offamap GPS Pocket Finder
Know anyone who travels a lot and seldom knows where they're going? If you love them enough to spend $800, buy them this ultimate GPS toy. That way, when they're in unfamiliar territory a block from home, the Finder's one-inch screen will show them a detailed map of Australia. If they need to keep their eye on the road, it will verbally give them directions in any one of its three Lucasfilm-licensed voice options (Darth Vader, Jar Jar Binks, and R2-D2). If your lost loved one doesn't know where to put the Offamap GPS Pocket Finder, it will help them find a pocket. And should they misplace your gift, you can always get them that wonderful supplement, the Offamap GPS Pocket Finder Finder.