I am not exaggerating. Adults spend an inordinate amount of online time perusing news and political Web sites--an activity that makes them cranky and prone to tantrums. They also use the Internet to check on their bank account balances, leading to stress and insomnia. They read far too many online articles about the dangerous things children are doing on the Internet.

Worst of all, they form their own online community on sites like GetOuttaMyspace.com. Here they talk about inappropriate adult subjects like business, real estate, and healthy lifestyles. Sometimes they even flirt with each other. Can you imagine a bunch of middle-aged fogies flirting? Not a pretty sight.

Unfortunately, you cannot monitor your parents' computing habits 24/7. They may object to putting their PCs in a public room. Many of them own laptops with which they can sneak to an Internet café for a round of illicit surfing. Some even have access to the Internet at an alternate location, usually referred to in adultspeak as "work."

What can you, the loving adolescent, do about this? You must buy and use protective software that blocks sites, monitors your parents' online behavior, and generally makes sure that they behave in a way that won't embarrass a 17-year-old. (Disclaimer: We cannot actually guarantee that any of the products discussed below will keep your parents from embarrassing you.)

The Spy That Came in on the Old
First, you need a program that monitors your parents' online activities. We recommend StalinSoft's Keylog Global Buffer. Just install KGB on your parents' computer and it will report everything back to you. You'll be able to see what Web sites they visit, who they're sending email to, and what they're saying when they're IMing their friends--in the unlikely event that your parents are cool enough to IM anyone.

Actually, it's a good thing that so few parents IM, because meeting strangers online is a dangerous activity for adults. Parents, as you've probably observed, have no sense of irony. Someone might innocently type "Yeah, I, like, totally murdered him," and an adult online will have that person arrested.

KGB also tells you what programs your parents are using and when they're using them--very handy if you suspect that your mother is secretly balancing her checkbook when she's supposed to be working on your science fair project. This information can also send you warning signs if the computer's attractions are causing your parents to get up before 9:00 AM.

Adult psychologists will tell you that it's vital to keep lines of communication open. That's why we recommend you use KGB's "Local Report" option. You sit down at your parents' computer, and with them nervously watching over your shoulder, enter the password that gives you access to everything they've done in the last week. This affords you the opportunity to have a frank, two-on-one conversation about the Web sites they're visiting and why they are irredeemably evil.

After a few such sessions, your lines of communication with your parents will be so open that you'll promise to never, ever track their computer use again. Then you'll turn on KGB's "Remote Report" option, which sends you the reports via email--a solution that's particularly convenient if you suffer from TLE ("Too Little Email").

However, if you're not a TLE sufferer, you might find that you have insufficient time for exhaustive email reports on every web site your parents visit, every email they send or receive, and every keystroke they type. That's when you'll want to augment KGB with a program that actually controls what they do rather than merely reporting it, such as Wet Fanny.

Blocked Arteries
When you set up Wet Fanny, the program asked you a number of questions that help it gauge how much protection your parents need. For instance, you enter their age by picking one of three options: "So Young It's Embarrassing," "Way Too Old," and "Yuck! I Don't Want To Think About It!"

Once set up, Wet Fanny keeps your parents' computer safe by blocking anti-porn sites. It also blocks email from your school, Web pages that center on adolescent psychology, and negative reviews of Wet Fanny.

And it controls their music. If you're a dutiful child who truly loves your parents--the sort who won't let them buy a CD with an Adolescent Advisory label--consider Wet Fanny's audio filters. Remember, grandma and grandpa tried to protect them from Queen and Madonna; thanks to Wet Fanny, you can succeed.

Of course, some parents will object to blanket bans on music that is too old to be appropriate, so Wet Fanny has a compromise solution. You can reroute all of their online music purchases to your own computer, where you can approve of what they buy, or change it to something more to your liking.

The danger, of course, is that your parents will simply go out and buy themselves a new computer--yet another disadvantage of their controlling the credit cards. In this situation, your best defense is to forgo all this technology and handle the conflict in the old-fashioned way: act sullen, run to your room, and slam the door.

© Copyright 2006 by Lincoln Spector