Gigglebytes -

Raise your hand if you hate Tech Support.

I thought so. Everyone hates Tech Support Even people who work in Tech Support hate Tech Support.

But what can hardware and software companies do to fix it? Add more staff? Train the staff that they have? Pay them a wage that will encourage them to keep their jobs? No, that would cost money.

If we’re not going to put Tech Support into the hands of people who understand technology, we can at least hand it over to people who can communicate. Or, better yet, let’s hand it over to one particular person, someone who can really communicate, a songwriter whose deathless lyrics have shown a grasp of every asset of the English language except clarity.

I give you Bob Dylan: Tech Support.

Just Like a Woman
Somebody feels mighty pain
And it’s you, with a problem I can explain
Your PC will not do
The things you want it to
The cause is something, I haven’t got a clue
The solution is as easy as caffeine
It breaks, just ‘cause it’s Windows, yes, it does
And it makes squat just ‘cause it’s Windows, yes, it does
Fails to wake just ‘cause it’s Windows
For your sake, wipe the hard drive clean.

When Windows will not load
Whether by virus, a conflict, or just buggy code
One thing that you can do
Will fix the problem true:
Restore the drive to how it was shipped to you
And your problem, like your data, won’t be seen.
It breaks, just ‘cause it’s Windows, yes, it does
And it makes squat just ‘cause it’s Windows, yes, it does
Fails to wake just ‘cause it’s Windows
For your sake, wipe the hard drive clean.

It’s your system that has slowed
And your Registry that’s growed
So its format time
And your programs can’t load code
Seems to goad
It’s like doormat time
Such a sore mat time
I can’t rhyme so--

You just don’t fit
Yes, I believe your data is gone, every bit
Things work out that way
And that’s the price you pay
It’s not my fault you do just what I say
My advise wasn’t meant to be mean.
Ah, you break, ‘cause you use Windows, yes, you do
And you make squat ‘cause you use Windows, yes, you do
And you shake ‘cause you use Windows
I’m a fake; wiped your hard drive clean.

Blowin’ in the Wind
How many SIMMs must a user install
Before he has bought enough RAM?
Yes, ‘n’ how many sheets must his printer absorb
Before he finds one that won’t jam?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times must he open his mail
Before he finds one that’s not spam?
The answer, my friend, is in the FAQ,
The answer is in the FAQ.

How many times can my laptop explode
Before I can tell it’s too hot?
Yes, ‘n’ how many blue screens of death must I see
Before I can say that’s a lot?
How Genu-wine must my Windows become?
Advantage? It’s certainly not?
The answer, my friend, is in the FAQ,
The answer is in the FAQ.

How many boots must I watch as they fail
Before I am robbed of my youth?
Yes, ‘n’ how many bugs must I track down myself
Before I’m a fully fledged sleuth?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times must I call Tech Support
Before someone tells me the truth?
The answer, my friend, ‘snot in the FAQ,
The answer’s not in the FAQ.

All Along the Watchtower
"There must be some way out of here," said the user to the tech,
“There’s too much confusion; I can’t be but a wreck.
Windows now it won’t update, drivers will not work,
I try to ask you for a little help and you just turn into a jerk.”

“No reason to get excited,” the tech said with no pause,
“Just turn off your antivirus, now. Of all things that is the cause.
Whatever problems stop your work, and set your mind to flame,
Some other program’s causing them; our product’s not to blame.”

All along the phone system, bosses kept the view,
Making sure the calls were short, and waits were long in queue.
Outside in the distance, users start to howl,
In hopes to get an answer soon, the people crying “foul.”

Forever Young
May your PC boot up quickly,
May your Windows come up fast,
May it fill your task bar’s systray
With our icons great and vast.
May you stay free of all adware
‘Cept the stuff that we install
And may you pay and never call,
And never call, and never call,
May you pay and never call.

May our software keep on working,
May it do just what you need,
May the interface be easy
And the colors never bleed.
May it seem large ‘til an upgrade’s out
And then may it seem small,
And may you pay and never call,
And never call, and never call,
May you pay and never call.

May our hardware keep you working,
May our cell phones all ring true,
May our iPod-like devices
Play the music bought by you.
May the power bricks we send you
Fit upon your crowded wall
And may you pay and never call,
And never call, and never call,
May you pay and never call.