Gigglebytes - Pentium Awards 96

In which we honor the industry that makes Gigglebytes possible
Originally printed in Computer Currents January 7, 1997

The computer industry is, I’m glad to say, an exceedingly generous one. Whenever I’m in danger of running out of ideas for a column, someone in a position of power does something monumentally stupid, and I make my deadline.

For instance, late in 1994, I was casting about for an idea when the story broke about the Pentium’s inability to handle division, and Intel’s "people don’t actually need this function" approach to the problem. I was so touched by Intel’s willingness to help a struggling humorist that I renamed my annual awards in the product’s honor.

And so, once again, it’s time to honor the companies and individuals who create the jokes it is my duty to report, in my ninth annual award ceremony--the third under the title The Pentium Awards.

The Joe Camel Promotional Excess Award
Like weeds and cockroaches, America Online installation floppies keep turning up all over the place. Now they’re even in airline meals (where they could easily be mistaken for the equally plastic food). New York-based Reuters reporter Carol Vinzant notes that "With no shame, to be sure you look at the disc, they enclose it in a bag with some treats." On the bright side, you’ll never have to buy floppy disks again.

The Sam Goldwyn Award For Clear Use of the English Language
AMD is bragging about a lot of new features in its upcoming K6 processor. My favorite is the "Out-of-Order Execution Engine." Without getting into a discussion about capital punishment, I would like to remind the company of exactly what "out of order" means.

The Mark Twain "Reports of My Death" Scroll
When Microsoft enters a market, the general assumption is that the Redmond monolith will eventually dominate it. But a new record for quick conclusions was set when Netscape Navigator, facing tough competition from Microsoft, was declared by many publications dead after its market share dropped to a mere 80 percent.

The Accounting 101 Citation
Speaking of Microsoft’s success with Internet Explorer, the program helped start one of the most exciting new trends in computer history: Major vendors giving software away for free. It certainly helps you gain market share, but can you make up for it in volume sales?

The Orson Welles/War of the Worlds Award
My column about price slashing, Ubiquity Now, got some amazing comments from readers: " You indicated Lotus Smartsuite was available free on the Internet. I spent 2 hours looking for it and could not find it," "I tried to find the microsoft everything, but ran out of luck. Can you tell me how to locate the ‘free’ softwares," "YOUR ARTICLE…STATED THAT COREL WILL SELL THE WORD PERFECT SUITE FOR $39.95. WHERE CAN I PURCHASE THIS GREAT DEAL?" I don’t know what’s worse: That people will actually believe a column named Gigglebytes that quotes Corel spokesperson Ring Nedwork as saying "We want your business and we’ll do anything short of debugging our software to get it," or that these people have email.

Bad Idea of the Year Citation
I may eat crow on this one, but I suspect that network computers for the home market are going to be the PCjr of the 90’s. Sure, the idea of a plug-and-play, $300 device for browsing the Web and sending email seems tempting, but so does karaoke.

Have you ever tried to type a URL with a remote control? This is one TV experience that may induce violent behavior in grownups.

The "Is This Information Overload?" Award
The House of Psychics has a Web site (http://www.netcreations.com) where, "For a lot less than you'd pay a therapist," you can get advice from someone you’ve never met. Of course, to get this advice, you have to give the psychic your name, email address, and credit card number. Shouldn’t they already have that information?

The Stupid Use of Technology Award
Want to send a binary file to someone? With 3D Fax by InfoImaging Technologies, you can fax your file to someone who doesn’t even have a modem--as long as the lucky recipient has a fax machine, a scanner, and a copy of 3D Fax. Kind of makes you miss sneakernet.

Worst Ad On Web
This award goes, with many curses and headaches, to HP’s animated imitation Pong ad, which continues to make Pong noises as you try to read the page’s actual contents, switch to another application, or even minimize your browser. If you don’t notice the tiny speaker icon (I didn’t), the only way to shut the damn thing up is by going to a different page or closing your browser. What’s next, ads that infect your boot sector?

The Bob Dole Product of the Year Award
CompuServe should have known better. At a time when even Microsoft can’t topple America Online, and all online services are losing market share to Internet service providers, what does CompuServe do? It starts a new online service, and as added bonuses, makes it especially slow and forgets to add content. When faced with stupidity like that, the only thing I can say is "Wow!"

Best Press Release Title
"Pivotal Announces Japanese Version of Relationship." Need I say more?