I recently bought a HazyBot Plug-and-Plop Voice/Data/Image/Teleportation 56.7 Executive Fax Modem and Three-Way Bottle Opener. At least the box says it’s ’56.7,’ although I can’t get it to access data faster than 56.6, and in fact Windows sees it as a 56.6 modem. Will it work at 56.7.--Newt Gingrich      

Your problem is that you’re not running the Plug-and-Plop with the correct, 56.7 drivers--a reasonable mistake since HazyBot shipped the modem before the new drivers were ready. You can download the correct drivers at http://www.hazybot.com/plugandplop/voice/data/image/teleportation/drivers/rushjob/beta/buggy/
get_it_out_fast/I_mean_it/today!/slash/98203942l93231905433.http.

To install the driver, close all of your Windows applications, unplug your modem, speakers, and monitor, decompress the Zip file in an unused directory or c:\windows, and pray.

Once you have the driver installed, you’ll want to download the bug fix. You’ll find it at http://www.hazybot.com/plugandplop/voice/data/image/teleportation/whoops/
4393281045892346087.http. For this patch to install itself, it must find the 56.7 driver and a three-year-old copy of Lotus Notes.

You may also want to check http://www.hazybot.com/plugandplop/voice/data/image/
notagain!/123456789.html just in case there’s another patch available.

Windows keeps freezing up on me at inopportune times. What can I do about it?--Bob Dole

The same as everyone else: Sigh, curse the day Bill Gates was brought forth into the world, reboot your computer, and start all over again.

I’m thinking about buying a more powerful computer. Should I get a P2 or a K-6?--Diane Feinstein

Neither chip is truly advanced. But if you wait a year, you’ll have a choice between the P3 or a K-9.

Will Windows 97 be anything special?--Bill Clinton

Rumor has it that Microsoft’s next upgrade to Windows, code-named Hoboken, won’t have anything truly earth-shattering. At best, it will allow short files with long names to take up less hard drive space than long files with short names. We’re not even sure what name it will have, although Windows 97 or Windows 98 seem likely--depending on what year it’s released.

A more exciting update is the one code-named Springfield. Rumors have it that this major overhaul will offer revolutionary "Homer Simpson" error correction and a limited-animation interface. Expected out in about three years, it will probably be called Windows 00.

My new PCI graphics card won’t fit into a standard ISA slot. What should I do?--Barbara Boxer

Make the board more malleable by soaking it for three days in a solution of warm brine and oysters. Then throw it away and replace your computer with one that doesn’t need a graphics update.

I track my home business with Glass Blowing for Windows. To bring it up automatically, I put a shortcut to the program is in my StartUp folder. But every time I boot, Glass Blowing begins to load, then freezes. What’s wrong?-- Jesse Helms

You have somehow managed to get a shortcut to Glass Blowing for Windows into your StopDown folder. You should remove it immediately.

Unfortunately, Microsoft did not see fit to make the StopDown folder easily accessible. The only easy way to remove a program is to reinstall Windows and keep your fingers crossed.

I often write very sensitive correspondence that I don’t want my co-workers to see. How do I email it so that I can be sure that no one reads it other than the recipient?--Al Gore

Security is a paramount issue with email, which is generally about as private as having a loud conversation on a crowded street corner without realizing that you’re speaking into a megaphone. But if you follow these simple steps, you can be reasonable sure that your email will be read only by the intended recipient and anyone else with a real interest in knowing what you’re up to:

1) Address the letter in your email program. Make sure that you address it only to the intended recipient. Avoid mailing lists--especially for resumes and love letters.

2) Give the letter the subject “Private--For Your Eyes Only.” This should discourage eavesdroppers.

C) Write the letter.

8) Print the letter, put it in an envelope, address and stamp the envelope, and drop it into a mailbox. This way, there’ s a good chance that no one will ever see it again.

23) Return to your computer and slap yourself on the forehead when you realize that while you were out mailing the hard copy, you left the message up on your screen.

IV) Wonder why you used your real name when you sent me this letter.

If I bought a Mac right now, how can I be sure that the company will be around in a year to support it?--Barney Frank,

Buy a whole lot of Apple stock and make some really smart business decisions.

Dr. Deeram reminds you that there are no stupid questions--only stupid answers. If you have a computer question you’d like to have answered by Dr. Deeram, fight the urge.

© Copyright 1997 by Lincoln Spector