"Lincoln, can I ask you a quick question?"

"Well, Sherm, I’m kinda busy right now. Could you…" I glanced at the screen, where Counting Crows were singing in front of an audience that was counting sheep. "Sure. Go ahead."

"Great. I wanna buy a Mac, but I keep hearing that Apple’s about to go the way of the Vanilla Ice, and I don’t want to be stuck with a computer that’ll be obsolete in two years."

"I didn’t think you can buy any other kind."

"Maybe not, but before I buy a Mac, I want to know if Apple’s going to be around in a year."

I was about to give him a quick reassurance when Jim Carrey appeared on the TV to present the Best Concept in an Otherwise Mangled Performance Award. I figured I could stay on the phone a bit longer. "A lot of that depends on Bill Gates, who cares deeply about Apple’s fate. You see, a few years ago, ten percent of the personal computers in use were Macs. Today, that number is down to less than seven percent. That terrifies Bill Gates, because seven percent is infinitely more than zero.

"A lot of people believe that Gates has become so terrified at Apple’s inability to achieve absolute failure that he bought 150 million worth of Apple stock. Of course, there are other theories to explain the purchase. Some say that the deal gives Gates access to vital Apple patents for making an easy-to-use operating system that normal people can use. Or he might be doing it to get the Justice Department off of his back, although campaign contributions would cost less. Then again, Gates may have thought he was acquiring the rights to the Beatles recordings."

"That’s great, Lincoln. But should I buy a…"

"Personally, I think that Gates is less scared of Apple than he is of Netscape, which despite Microsoft’s efforts still owns about 80 percent of the browser market. Gates very much wants 100 percent of this extremely lucrative source of no income. By buying into Apple, Gates is able to give away his browser to more people than it has ever been given away to before."

"Well, should…"

"I simply can’t believe that Gates bought all that Apple stock just to kill a company as insignificant as Apple has become. That would be like pulling wings off of a fly…Come to think of it, maybe that is his plan."

Uncle Sherman tried another tack. "But if Gates bought Apple stock just to destroy the company, should I buy a Mac?"

I pressed on. "A more important question would be: Why did Apple executives make a deal with someone who may be determined to destroy the company? Hard to say, unless Apple executives are determined to destroy their company--which would explain a lot. Could be similar goals. Whatever the reason, there’s no question that the purchase has thrown Apple into confusion. After all, there’s no one in Apple management who has any experience in acquiring money.

"This explains Apple’s first major act after the Microsoft deal: Using most of the new money to buy Power Computing. Power’s main claim to fame is making and selling inexpensive computers, which makes it the very antithesis of everything Apple stands for."

On my television, Chris Rock was picking up a Life Achievement Award for his presentation of the Spice Girls’ Life Achievement Award. "Compare this with Apple’s purchase of NeXT earlier this year. NeXT, after all, was strongest in what was already Apple’s greatest area of expertise: Building overpriced hardware for a platform with a too-small installed base.

"Actually, to understand the Power Computing purchase, you have to know something about the history of cloning--from the PC to the Mac to Scottish sheep. The PC became a successful standard because of cloning, while the Mac lost marketshare because it was only being made by Apple. I’m sure that’s why Apple decided three years ago to allow Mac cloning and follow IBM’s example into absolute disaster."

"Thanks, Lincoln. You’ve given me some…"

"Of course, once Microsoft gave Apple 150 million dollars in order to stop competition from Netscape, Apple had to spend most of it stopping its own worst competition. But since Apple couldn’t afford to buy Microsoft, it spent the money on Power Computing, instead.

"And how did Power Computing feel about this? The company didn’t have much of a choice, since Apple is eliminating clone licensing. Power Computing’s Chairman and CEO Steve Kahng has stated that Apple’s offer was the best deal he could get for his investors. I suspect that was before he realized that the 100 million would be in Apple stock. He probably thought he was acquiring the rights to the Beatles recordings."

"This is all very interesting, Lincoln, but should I or should I not buy a Macintosh?"

On MTV, the credits began to roll. "Sorry, Uncle, I gotta go. Talk to you later."