It’s a little known secret that Microsoft, IBM, Symantec, and the other major players would rather you didn’t know: You don’t have to turn to an established software company to get a badly-written program. To prove my point, here are some notable shareware titles that are every bit as poorly-designed as anything with a large advertising budget. (Shareware, if you’re unfamiliar with the term, is software that’s distributed free over the Internet, but that you’re morally obliged to pay for if you foolishly decide to keep it.)

Hinder Reminder
Here’s yet another program that pops up at inappropriate times to remind you to do things you already done. The freely-distributed shareware edition of Hinder Reminder is limited to one event: Every hour it reminds you to register your shareware. Once you’ve completed this task, you’ll receive the full, registered version, which reminds you to make sure there’s enough money in your account to cover your check. Registration: $78.95. Milo MinderBinder, www.hangup.com/finder/kinder/minder/binder/hinder/reminder/

BTray
With the right software, you can put anything from a calendar to a recipe file in Windows 95’s system tray. But until BTray, no one ever thought of putting a shortcut to the Start Menu there. Now, instead of dragging your mouse all the way to the left side of the screen, you can drag it all the way to the right, click, then drag it to the left to make your selection. Registration: $5. PizzaGeek Software, www.alwaysbusy.com/pizzageek/btray/

Erasatry
If you install, look at, then uninstall a lot of Windows 95 programs, you have too much free time. You also have an overloaded, obese, and corrupted registry. Erasatry solves the problem by quickly and permanently deleting all unused and irrelevant registry entries, along with all of the used and relevant ones. Windows won’t work, but at least you’ll have some free disk space. Registration: No one knows. J. D. Ripper, www.freewithlotsofads.net/ripper

Mimesweeper
Here’s a curious variation on a game that most people wish they’d never seen. In this version, if you click the wrong square, an out-of-work 80’s sitcom actor in whiteface takes over your system, and the only way to get rid of him is to delete every email message with an attachment. Registration: Send a new virus to the author--preferably the organic kind. Living Dork Systems, www.igotthisdomainname1st.com

Capture and Execution
Programs that help you capture screen images and save them as graphics files are popular and extremely necessary--at least for those who write about computers for a living. Capture and Execution is one such program. When there's an image on screen you wish to save, just launch Capture and Execution and select File//Capture//Image//Onscreen//Color//Screen Resolution//Now. Then you merely draw the image you want onscreen and press Ctrl-Alt-F10-F1-+-?, click the mouse three times, and wait while your computer reboots so you can try again. Registration: $1. R. Goldberg and Assoc, www.USOB.edu/compsci/lit/ling/dropout

Emasculated Mail
This simple little program pops up a message and buzzes loudly whenever your e-mail program's inbox has a message. Not just new messages--the one from last week you never bothered to erase will be sufficient. If Emasculated Mail doesn’ t support your e-mail program, it will buzz whenever you have files in c:\windows. Registration: $23.32 Canadian. Tom O. Bedlum Software, www.bedlum.com/do/u/really/want/this.html

My Dinner with André: Special Edition Screen Saver
To honor the landmark film’s 16th anniversary restoration re-release, Artprophet Cinema has posted a collection of promotional screen savers on the Net. Your computer can now spend hours entertaining your empty chair with Wally and André’s discussions on the meaning of life and virtues of electric blankets. Three of the eight modules highlight the film’s newly added, computer-enhanced special effects. Registration: Would anyone pay for this? Artprophet Cinema, www.majorhollywoodstudio.com/subsidiaries/artprophet

Domino Setup
Here’s an allegedly easy way to configure Windows 95, Windows NT, or a Mac. The menu-driven user interface asks you simple, clearcut questions like "Would you like the CMDrivFlags setting at 01 or 02?" Click Help and you’ll be told that selecting ‘01’ will change the setting from "02." Once you’ve supplied all of your settings, you simply click "OK," "Are you sure," and "You asked for it," and Domino Setup replaces your operating system. Registration: $59 (registered version is required for restoring your boot sector). Vlad M. Paler, www.tran-sell.com/hooked.html.