Microsoft today defended its decision to include Barney Goes to the Circus in all future versions of Windows. According to company spokesperson Bert N. Ernie, "Children’s educational software is a natural extension of the operating system. Just as we expect Windows to show us files and take us to Web sites, shouldn’t we use it as a way to help our children prepare for family outings?"

Not everyone sees it that way. Last week, the Department of Justice ordered Microsoft to cease and desist forcing hardware vendors to bundle Barney Goes to the Circus with all Windows-based computers, as well as halt plans to bundle the program with Windows 00. The DOJ argues that the Redmond-based company is using its monopoly in the operating system arena as a way to dominate the educational software market.

Microsoft contends that its control of the OS market is exaggerated. "It’ s true that 100 percent of all new computers are shipped with some kind of Windows," Ernie admits. "But we’re a smart company with a deep understanding of math. We’ll find a way to increase that number."

Ernie also takes offense at the DOJ’s claim that Microsoft is requiring hardware vendors to include the program with new computers. "Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that every single vendor chooses the $72 bundle over the $349 Windows-only package is a testament to the quality of our children’s software."

But Will Whiteflag, the DOJ’s Assistant Attorney General for Backing Down on Antitrust Actions, points out that Microsoft requires vendors to sign "draconian" non-disclosure agreements that make it impossible to find out for sure what the company requires. "These agreements are very strict, often requiring companies to draw and quarter employees who mention non-Microsoft software to customers.

"Nevertheless, Compaq Vice President Dan Dedmon agreed to talk with us on condition of anonymity. According to Mr. Dedmon, Compaq was required to install Barney Goes to the Circus on all of 16,000 Pentium III’s shipped to the Department of Justice. This probably explains the general reduction in work efficiency around here."

Analysts can’t help wondering if the DOJ will capitulate in this fight, as it did last year when it sued Microsoft for compelling PC makers to bundle Cinemania with their computers. "In the end," Whiteflag says defensively, "we felt Microsoft was right. Computers today are multimedia machines, and helping users select which films to rent is clearly a job for the operating system."

Whiteflag insists however that this time around things will be different. The DOJ has filed a court injunction to fine Microsoft five dollars a day until the Barney bundling stops.

Microsoft isn’t taking the order lying down. It has filed a court injunction to stop the DOJ’s court injunction and have Whiteflag replaced with a border collie. The DOJ, in response, has filed another injunction require Bill Gates to not wear glasses until the case is settled.

"This is all so silly," says Microsoft’s Ernie. "Anyone can see that Barney Goes to the Circus belongs with the operating system. It’s a perfect tool for teaching children about animals. And what are animals if not active objects. And children will need to learn about active objects if they’re going to prosper in the wonderful new Microsoft world."

Meanwhile, consumer advocate Ralph Vader hosted the first annual conference for his new anti-Microsoft organization, Humans Opposed to Proprietary Engineering in LAN Environments and Sophisticated Systems. The stated purpose of the HOPELESS conference was to bring attention to the dangers of a Microsoft monopoly in children’s education software.

Microsoft, not surprisingly, has refused to attend. "We looked at the lineup and felt that the cards were stacked against us," says Ernie. "Everyone speaking at the function has a reason to hate us, even if it’s only for a minor slight like driving them to bankruptcy. Bill felt that if the conference was going to be one-sided, we’d better not join in and mess up the symmetry."

The keynote address at the conference was by Cap Greenjeans of Brøderbund, whose Berenstain Bears Go On Forever is seen as the major competitor to Microsoft’s Barney Goes to the Circus. "I’m not here out of concern for my own company," Greenjeans promised. "I’m here for all companies publishing children’s software that are located in Novato, California."

Greenjeans was followed by representatives from Netscape, Sun, IBM, and other companies that opposed Microsoft before they went out of business. (A representative of the still-struggling Apple was originally scheduled to attend, but cancelled at the last minute, reportedly after a phone call from Apple’s last stock holder.)

"I don’t see what good this will accomplish," argued Ernie. "Microsoft welcomes competition. If someone ever does come out with a program that’s better than one of ours, we’ll gladly make sure it doesn’t remain compatible."