January 6, 1998
The (Who’s Counting?) Pentium Awards
They make the jokes; I just report them
We did it. We survived another year. So did IBM, Sun, Netscape, and various
other companies that compete with Microsoft. Even Apple. Well--sort of.
And so it’s time once again to hand out my anything-but-coveted Pentium
Awards, where I honor the individuals and corporations without whose tiresome
efforts this column wouldn’t be possible. The award is named after the
original Pentium chip, which--in its early incarnation--had a little trouble
doing math. Once the bug became known (Intel initially kept it quiet), the
company refused to make a fix widely available on the grounds that people weren’t
dividing by those particular numbers anyway.
Today, many companies are following in Intel’s august scuff marks. By
making corporate decisions that ignore all facts, creating revolutionary new
technologies that inspire revolt, and boldly stepping out and tripping over
their own two feet, the leaders of the computer industry have once again
provided me with a year’s worth of Gigglebytes material. For that I am
eternally grateful.
Company of the Year
Here, for once, Apple Computers trounced the competition. From Gil Amelio’s
rehiring of Steve Jobs to Amelio’s dramatic exit to the great CEO search to
the bedding with Microsoft, Apple continued to provide me with wonderful
material all year. The high point came in early September, when Jobs spent most
of the Microsoft money buying Power Computing. It’s a little like selling your
soul to the devil for a million dollars, then blowing it all on prune juice.
The Capital Hill Award For Tortured Logic
Maybe Bill Gates should have kept to his original plan to become a lawyer. When
the Department of Justice objected to Microsoft’s bundling of Internet
Explorer with Windows, Gates came up with an argument worthy of O.J.’s defense
team: A Web browser, apparently, is a natural part of the operating system--in
much the same way that wings are a natural part of a slug. Gee Bill, I would
have voted for a stable, crash-free environment.
The National Enquirer Creativity in Headlines Award
Much as I hate to knock the competition (okay, I love it), PC Computing’s April
issue wins this one hands down. In bold, red-on-black letters, it promises that
"CD-ROM IS DEAD!" But the issue came shrinkwrapped with what appeared
to be…a CD-ROM. On closer inspection, however, the enclosed disk was of a
supposedly even deader medium--it was a floppy disk.
The
Investment in CDs Citation
When I was a kid, we would
occasionally find toy whistles or little comic books in our cereal boxes. But
this year was the first where I found a CD-ROM. (Doesn’t General Mills know
the CD-ROM is dead?) In addition to a game ("You can hear the distant cries
of your cereal friends held captive by the evil slime toting creatures--the
FLEMOIDS"), the silver disk contained--you guessed it--an America Online
starter kit.
The General Custer Award for Being in the Wrong Place
I used to think that the worst possible place to store your data files is with
their respective applications. With Outlook and Internet Explorer, Microsoft has
found an even worse place: with the operating system. Take a look. Much of the
vital data you create with these programs goes right into that ever-growing
morass of unidentifiable garbage: C:\Windows.
The Saddam Hussein Sincerity in Protest Award
Early last year, a company called SoftTek offered a "revolutionary"
product for reducing paper waste: a program that saves trees by letting you fax
documents from your computer to others on your company intranet--just in case
you really hate email. To get the new product off to a rousing start, SoftTek
"sponsored" (their word) a protest against "the destruction of
the earth’s forests as a result of wasteful paper faxing."
The Special Citation for Outstanding Arrogance
No, it’s not going to Microsoft (hey, they’d win it every year), but to
Prodigy Internet. According to Shelly Herr of Seattle, this old service in new
protocols showed an amazingly piggish attitude about how it’s users should
access the Internet. "When I attempted to dial up my other ISP, I found
that the Prodigy installation had completely wiped out the settings, along with
a quite substantial bookmark file. Upon contacting Prodigy Tech support, I
learned that yes, they intended to do that and (of course) I should have known
this would happen."
The Friar Laurence Timely Message Award
Like many other people, I eagerly downloaded the "final" version of
Netscape Communicator 4.0 and installed it over the beta as soon as it became
available. At the end of the installation process, the program displayed the
previously-hidden Readme file. "If you have deinstalled an earlier version
of Communicator, reboot your system before installing another copy of
Communicator." Hey, could you think of a way to tell me this a little
earlier?
Infestation of the Year
Netscape Communicator wins this one, too. I found that I simply couldn’t use
the new Navigator for more than about 30 minutes before it froze up, sometimes
taking Windows with it. Runner-ups include Microsoft’s Outlook Express, which
often reacts to the Save command by dialing your ISP and not sending the
message, and Quicken 98, which tells you that you can read your very important
financial messages by clicking the E-mail tab…when there isn’t any E-mail
tab to click.
The Honorable Retort on Torts Award
This goes to Judge Thomas Penfield for his deft handling of Microsoft’s claims
regarding the integration between Windows 95 and Internet Explorer. Back in
December, when Jackson ruled that Microsoft must stop requiring that system
vendors include the browser with the operating system, the Redmond geniuses
claimed that removing Internet Explorer would render Windows inoperable. The
judge sat down at a computer and, within 90 seconds, separated the two programs
with no harm done.
© Copyright 1998 by Lincoln Spector
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