Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

January 20, 1998

Problems 5 Solutions 0

Not all conflicts are as easy to solve as those in the Middle East

It’s a common situation. You’re surfing the Web in Navigational Explorer, and every time you enter a URL with a W in it, the browser brings you not to the desired page but to Wee Willie Winka’s Wonderful Web of Wazzledazzle Wascality, where you can learn about the alphabet through colorful animal pictures and pornography.

You’ll probably be relieved to know that the problem isn’t with Navigational Explorer. It’s actually a software conflict between Navigational Explorer, Windows 95, and Luddite Software’s CrashIt! 99, a utility for protecting your system from software conflicts. Follow these steps to get out of the predicament:
  1. Uninstall CrashIt! using the Windows’ Add/Remove Programs applet. You’ll know the process is complete when a message box informs you that all files with the extensions .XLS, .BMP, .HTM, .PPT, and .DOC have been removed from your system.
  2. Take a deep breath. Don’t go on to step 3 until you have calmed down.
  3. Try running Navigational Explorer. Log onto the site of your choice and note that you’re still watching Wee Willie Winka having too much fun with the ABCs. That’s right. When you removed CrashIt!, the program left a few souvenirs in your registry.
  4. Uninstall and reinstall Navigational Explorer. You’ll now be able to visit any Web page you desire, and should have no more trouble until you try to drag a file from one folder to another. From now on, this once-familiar act will crash Windows.
  5. Get up and take a walk around the block.
  6. When you return, you will have to delete Windows 95 and reinstall it from scratch. To begin this process, boot from a floppy disk.
  7. Delete the C:\Windows folder. (Note, this folder may have a name other than C:\Windows. In fact, it could be K:\garbage\trash\junk\misc\delete\tuesday\thingy--provided your computer was set up by a 12-year-old with a criminal record.)
  8. Remember that several important data files, including your e-mail addresses and appointment calendar, were stored in C:\Windows. Sorry. You should have thought about that before the previous step.
  9. Slam your left hand violently against the wall.
  10. Put your Windows 95 CD-ROM into the CD-ROM drive and attempt to log onto the disk.
  11. Reboot with a floppy containing your original, 16-bit CD-ROM drivers. If you didn’t already have a floppy of this nature prepared, you should have thought of that before, too. Join a religious order that forbids the use of modern technology.
  12. Once you’ve successfully logged onto your CD-ROM drive, run setup.exe.
  13. Answer every stupid question the setup program asks you. Remember, it assumes you’re installing Windows for the first time, that you’ve never seen a keyboard, and that you believe a serial port is a wine made from fermented breakfast grains.
  14. Once Windows is up and running--if Windows is up and running--reinstall all of your applications for which you still have the serial number required by the installation routine.
  15. Take a break. Drink six cups of coffee. Return to your computer with shaking hands.
  16. Try running your applications and consider how best to work now that every configuration change, every spelling dictionary, every macro you’ve ever written has been lost. This sort of information is always stored in C:\Windows.
  17. Get up, walk to the far end of your home or office, and let out a good scream.
  18. Return to your computer and consider the job of re-downloading and re-installing the 83 updates and bug fixes that you had downloaded and installed one at a time over the past two years.
  19. Calmly take a 8.5 by 11 inch piece of paper, and tear it into teeny, tiny pieces.
  20. It’s almost time to reinstall Navigational Explorer. But first you must download the installation program, and the easiest way to do that is with Navigational Explorer.
  21. Download the file with the only tool that’s available: From the Start menu select "Run" and enter the command "FTP". This will summon a text-based program that no one in their right mind would use without documentation.
  22. Look for FTP documentation in large, expensive Windows book, such as Windows For Blithering Idiots. Since you won’t find any, tear the book into teeny, tiny pieces.
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  23. After you have somehow managed to download the file, run it and install Navigational Explorer. Once again, accept the fact that all of your configuration changes have been lost.
  24. Try to log onto a Web page. You’ll note that the original problem has been solved.
  25. Try to drag a file from one folder to another. This now works properly, too.
  26. Click the Start button. This freezes Windows but produces a lovely light show.
  27. Turn off and unplug your computer. Carefully open the case.
  28. Check the CPU. To make sure that it’s seated properly in its socket, use a hammer to lightly tap it on one side, then the other.
  29. Use the hammer to give the chip one large whack.
  30. Repeat the previous step until satisfied.

    © Copyright 1998 by Lincoln Spector

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