Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

February 17, 1998

Outlook Unimpressed

A Peek At Bill Gates’ Email Inbox

From: Ernie Tort

Subject: DOJ Strategy

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Bill--

As your attorney, I should point out that you’re in danger of antagonizing the judge in this case. He was not impressed by your recent statement that removing Barney from Windows 95 would increase flooding in California and destabilize the government in Ethiopia. Please refrain from making comments of this type until you have checked them with the Ministry of Information.

Ernie

*******

From: Steve Jobs

Subject: Synergy

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Bill:

Before we continue with this next project, there’s something that you must understand. I run a very important and powerful company, I’m one of the pioneers in this industry, and I will not allow myself to be pushed around.

Now then, what exactly is it that you want me to do?

*******

From: Frank Rroyd Left

Subject: House Plans

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 Bill,

Thanks for seeing me this morning to talk about the plans for your new home. I appreciate how difficult it is to work me into your busy schedule, although 2 a.m. is not an optimal time to inspect a foundation.

About the elephant pond: I’m concerned that it may conflict with the City of the Future room, and that the two of them together could clash with the Multimedia Bathroom. Perhaps we should wait for rev. 2.3.

Frank

*******

From: I. B. Shyster

Subject: Contract Labor Dispute

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As your attorney, I’m greatly concerned about your reaction to the outcome of the latest class-action suit. Keep in mind that these are your own contract employees who sued you over stock options, and that if you insist upon appealing this case there could be a repeat of last week’s incident in the exercise yard. How many times a month are you willing to get pied in the face?

Besides, you have a very good chance of losing this case on appeal. Remember that as I represent your company in this case, I am a Microsoft contract employee. Need I say more?

*******

From: Winnie Hawha

Subject: Re: Windows 98 Progress

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Bill, thanks for your comments. I’ve tried to answer your concerns below:

>I can’t believe the date has slipped again! Are you
>really that incompetent?

With the last round of beta testing, we discovered a compatibility problem with Netscape Navigator 4.02b. In certain hardware configurations, when you click the Navigator button, the program successfully launches and connects with the Internet. We still haven’t found the cause.

>You’re totally low-bandwidth!

Yes, performance is still a problem. At present, Windows 98 is running 7% slower than Windows 95. We hope to reach the 12% mark by May.

>You brain-dead, moronic jerk!!!!

The new Help files are not under my jurisdiction. However, I did make certain, per your request, that the 5K “Windows Quick Reference Guide” remains on the CD-ROM, while we copy to the hard drive the 26MB “Everything We’re Willing To Tell You About Windows 98.”

>Why are you in my company?

The rumors that two people in my section worked 18-hour days last Sunday are totally false. I can assure you that no one on this team gives less than 100%.

>Your work stinks! Stinks! Stinks!! Stinks!!! Stinks!!!!

Thank you for your vote of confidence. I think this is the nicest e-mail you’ve ever sent me.

*******

From: Lit E. Gacon

Subject: Licensing Contracts

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As your attorney, I find your latest idea for licensing contracts nothing short of brilliant. By requiring vendors to bundle Office, Encarta, Publisher, and a Mac II with every Windows 95 PC, we are effectively proving, in concrete, legal terms, that we are not singling out Netscape.

*******

From: J. P. Moregain

Subject: Electronic Rights

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Bill--

As your attorney, I regret to inform you that the Louvre will not honor your request that the Mona Lisa be moved to your new home. While the curators concede that you own the electronic rights to the work, they still insist that these do not include the actual, original painting, even if it is lit with electricity.

*******

From: slick@mailfrought.com

Subject: Would you like to make money?

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Bill--

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