Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

March 3, 1998

Mary Popup

If only real life were like a Disney fantasy

Fade in on the offices of London’s Fidelity Fiduciary Bank. Mr. Banks, a junior partner, has the responsibility of hiring a new IS manager.

Two young interns, Jane and Michael, try to help Mr. Banks by posting an ad on their Web site. Mary Popup answers the ad, gets the job, and immediately explains her plans for improving the bank’s computers.

“Spoonful of Sugar”
Mary Popup: In every job that must be done
There are more steps than you can shun;
You’d shun them all except you won’t get paid.
And your computer takes so long
That you suspect there’s something wrong
It’s slow! You moan!
If only you had known…

That a half meg of caching helps the media speed up,
The media speed up, media speed up.
Just a half meg of caching helps the media speed up
In a cost-effective way.

A boss who’s feathering his nest
With stocks he knows he must divest
To find them he must daily check the Web.
A browser takes so long to load
You’d think his head, it might explode;
But look, and clap,
It’s running in a snap.

For a half meg of caching helps the media speed up,
The media speed up, media speed up.
Just a half meg of caching helps the media speed up
In a cost-effective way.

Mr. Banks expresses his disapproval of Mary’s methods, pointing out that FFB can’t afford to upgrade both systems and software. Mary and her friend Hertz explain what they think about software upgrades.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Mary: For SuperTurboProDeluxeTwoThousand is the fashion!
Put it on your system and your hard drive will be thrashin’,
Try to do a job with it; the whole thing goes a’crashin’
SuperTurboProDeluxeTwoThousand is the fashion!
ROM diddle-iddle om, ROM diddle-ay!
ROM diddle-iddle om, ROM diddle-ay!

Hertz: Because I need the latest thing when software I must run,
New versions I am lookin’ for; I will not be outdone.
An update I did download with a long, familiar name,
Installed it into Windows and my life ain’t been the same.

Mary and Hertz: Oh! SuperTurboProDeluxeTwoThousand is the fashion!
Put it on your system and your BIOS you’ll be flashin’,
Try to run the uninstall; your teeth will soon be gnashin’;
SuperTurboProDeluxeTwoThousand is the fashion!
ROM diddle-iddle om, ROM diddle-ay!
ROM diddle-iddle om, ROM diddle-ay!

Mary: So when your software’s getting old, seems ready for the hearse,
Remember that the upgrade coming out will make it worse.
So think before you pay when a new version comes along,
Or massive loads of buggy code will sing for you this song:

Mary and Hertz: Oh, SuperTurboProDeluxeTwoThousand is the fashion!
Put it on your system and your data you’ll be trashin’
Try to get some work done and your wrists you’ll soon be slashin’;
SuperTurboProDeluxeTwoThousand is the fashion!

Mr. Banks announces that he will take the interns on a tour of the bank. Before they leave, Mary tells them about the dreaded 5^th floor, filled with tired, red-eyed programmers.

Feed the Birds
Mary: Around their whole workday, from midnight to midnight
They sit in their chairs writing code.
They fill up on pizza, they don’t see the daylight,
Any day now their heads may implode.

Free the nerds, let them go home,
Let them, let them, let them go home.
Free the nerds to husband and wife
They need time off so they’ll all have a life.

When it’s time to visit the 5^th floor, the interns panic and run away. They end up in the basement, where they find rows and rows of bored people typing into terminals. But there is one happy typist--Mary’s old friend Hertz.

Chim Chim Cher-ee
Hertz: Click clickity, click clickity, click click clickee!
This enterin’ data’s the right job for me.
Click clickity, click clickity, click click clair-oo!
Type in a wrong number, and it’s curtains for you.
Oh whot ‘as gone wrong? You ‘aven’t a clue.

To the cor-por-ate types, to the top as they race,
Data entry must seem like the pyramid’s base.
The pay isn’t much; I must say ‘cause it’s true;
But it’s more than just cash--lousy benefits, too.

Click clickity, click clickity, click click clickee!
This enterin’ data’s the right job for me.
Click clickity, click clickity, click click clair-ife!
Type in a wrong number, I’ve messed up your life.

The pay isn’t much, but that ain’t no disgrace,
Take out my frustration on the ‘ole ‘uman race.
You think that I’m low an’ yourself--you’re a swell;
One click of a key an’ I make your life ‘ell.

Click clickity, click clickity, click click clickee!
This enterin’ data’s the right job for me.
Click clickity, click clickity, click click clee-ear!
Type in a wrong number, an’ you disappear!

Mr. Banks is about to fire Mary, Michael, and Jane, but suddenly relents. He tells everyone that instead of working, they can have fun browsing the Web on the bank’s T1 line.

Let’s Go Fly a Kite
Everyone: Let’s go surf the Net
Follow the etiquette!
Let’s go surf the Net
More fun than working
Let’s make a so-slow call,
Follow the protocol.
Oh, let’s go surf the Net