A: Enlarging the swap file to cache the hard drive is a good first step, but will only speed up your computer if you make these other performance improving enhancements:

• Remove excess files from your hard drive. All of those extra bits just weigh the platter down.
• Your computer is more efficient if you’re doing more than one thing on it at a time. Therefore, drag all of your programs to the Start menu’s Startup folder.
• Plug your computer into a better electric outlet. Remember, American AC power only runs at 110 volts, while the European variety operates at a full 220. If this involves a long power cord, so be it.
• If your computer’s still unduly slow, bang on the monitor and yell.

A: Absolutely. The Outernet is much larger than the Internet, just as outer space is much larger than Honest Al’s Hardware Emporium.

How do we know that the Outernet exists? Common experiences proves it. Think about all of those Web pages that seem to travel light years before they reach your screen.

A: Convenience. When normal people need to know their bank balance, for instance, they must phone the bank, push a series of buttons on their touch-tone phones, and listen to a recorded voice. But if you are one of the elite with online banking, you can simply log onto the Internet, go to your bank’s Web page, enter your account number and password, log back onto the Internet after your nephew picked up the telephone extension, click OK, and wait as your entire financial history is slowly downloaded for you.

But the best thing about home banking is the ATM interface. Just make sure your printer can handle the subtle shades of green and fine graphics required for a $20 bill.

A: The big difference between cloning sheep and cloning computers is that, when you clone sheep, you don't need any RAM.

A: People today like formatted e-mail, and the easiest thing you can do is go along with it. If a friend or co-worker sends you an e-mail message formatted in HTML, respond to them in Postscript.

A: Congratulations. You have just deleted the most troublesome files on your hard drive. True, you’ve wiped out the operating system, but operating systems are highly overrated.

You have several options for fixing this problem:

The first and best option is to restore Windows from a backup. Of course, this requires you to have a recent backup tape cartridge other than the one currently attached to your refrigerator with a magnet.

If you don’t have the backup, find your emergency boot disk and Windows CD-ROM, and reinstall Windows from scratch. For this solution to be successful, you’ll need some understanding of how Windows works, or at least be able to place both a floppy disk and a CD-ROM in their correct drives.

In the final analysis, your best bet is probably to abandon computers altogether, and devote yourself to a career writing a Q&A column.

A: You want something rugged, in case you drop it onto rocks and into streams. A cellular modem is a must. Electricity may be a problem, so look for something with a very long battery life. Remember, your computer will be competing with the great outdoors, so you’ll need a large active-matrix screen. And don’t accept anything that weighs more than two pounds.

Finally, get the fastest processor, most RAM, and largest hard drive available. You’ll need to run today’s latest and greatest software to make it as a hermit warrior.

Does your hardware vendor tell you your PC’s problems are all in your head? Does your software vendor simply put you on hold? Do technically-inclined friends run the other way when they see you coming? Why not ask Dr. Deeram? He won’t help you, either.

© Copyright 1998 by Lincoln Spector

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