It was one of those days. Deadlines were swarming like killer bees. The dirty dishes in the sink had reached Superfund status. My backyard was so overgrown I hadn’t seen my dog in three days. And on top of everything else, it was time to reformat my hard drive and reinstall Windows from scratch.

On a day like this, there’s only one thing you can do: Settle down and watch TV.

Xena and the Brain had just started when the doorbell rang. I was tempted to ignore it, but I was expecting an important package.

What greeted me, of course, was my neighbor Norman. You remember Norman, don’t you? The Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, and Bill of Divorcement of SoftPop Software. Also President, CEO, and Chief Janitorial Technician.

I was about to slam the door in his face when he said the magic words: "Hey, Lincoln, want to come over and see my new cable modem?"

"You’ve got cable modem?" I asked incredulously. "Just yesterday I called TCC for the millionth time, and they said they have no plans to make it available in our area."

"Don't worry about TCC. The Cable Company does whatever I say. Come on over."

We were soon in his study. He launched his browser, and his home page snapped into view--no modem connection, no waiting for a download. Just boom, it was there.

"Wow!" was all I could say.

"Isn’t it great? That’s SoftPop’s new Internet portal, Yachew! It’s got search, e-mail, news, personals, advertising--everything you go to the Web for."

I was stuck. If I was going to get to play with the cable modem, I was going to have to feign interest. "Cool. You’ve got a lot of…ads up there, don’t you?"

"Yeah. It’ll be a great revenue stream when these companies start paying me. But first I have to tell them I’m running their ads. Let me show you the search engine."

He clicked an icon of a magnifying glass setting a Web page on fire. Up popped a page containing nothing but a one-line data entry field, a submit button, a link entitled "Advanced Search," an animated banner for SoftCore CornFlakes, a frame that could take me back at any time to SoftPop’s home page, a JavaScript-produced voice repeatedly telling me that "Only SoftPop Software offers a total solution to your miserable life."

"What would you like to search for?" he asked.

"How about the Year 2000 problem," I answered.

He hesitated. "How about sex?" he suggested.

I was about to say "No, thanks," when he typed the three-letter word into the search engine. A list of sites came up almost immediately. "Gee," I said, "let’s click on ‘Naked Girls of the Year 2000 Problem." Mind you, I only wanted to see how fast his cable modem could download .GIFs.

"Why don’t I show you Advanced Search," he countered. He clicked the link and got the exact same list of sites. "It’s so advanced, it knows your search in advance."

"Can we go to a site with streaming video?" I asked. "I’d like to see how that…"

"News," he said. "It’s not every portal that offers a first-class news services, and Yachew! is no exception." In two fast clicks he was at a page filled with headlines: NATIONAL!, INTERNATIONAL!, SPORTS!, GOSSIP!, INNUENDO!, and MONICA LEWINSKY!

"Well," he said, looking at me proudly, "where would you like to go today?"

Squelching a look of disgust (it’s amazing what I’d do to play with a cable modem), I answered "International."

He clicked the picture, and instantly up came the first headline: "Arch-Duke Ferdinand Assassinated: International Crisis Unlikely."

"Uh, Norman, that isn’t really late-breaking news."

"Really? I hadn’t heard it before. Anyway, the news service is giving me a terrific price.

"Say, want to see my travel agency?" he asked in mid-click. In the blink of an eye, up popped an HTML form illustrated by animation of two 747s in a dog fight. "Let’s pretend you want to go to Cleveland next Tuesday. You just type in your full address here and the full address of the place you’ll be staying in Cleveland…"

"The addresses? Why not just the airports?"

He looked at me with amazement. "You shouldn’t have to tell it the airports if it knows your address. And look! Here are all the flights from Birmingham, England to Cleveland. Just pick one, click Submit, and your flight is booked."

"Birmingham, England. Why Birmingham?"

"Probably because New Delhi is booked."

"Well, if nothing else, it’s astonishing how fast all that stuff is coming over the Internet."

"What Internet?" asked Norman. "Every file we’ve looked at is on my hard drive. Do you think I was going to demo my portal over my old 28.8K modem?"

"What? I thought you brought me here to show me your cable modem!"

"Did I say ‘cable modem?’ I meant modem cable. Look," he said, pointing to the serial cord connecting his modem to his computer. "Isn’t it a beaut?"

I held my breath as I reminded myself that I’m a pacifist. I tried to picture what Gandhi would do in this situation. I left when I remembered that Gandhi often carried a large bamboo walking stick.

© Copyright 1998 by Lincoln Spector

Return to main Gigglebytes page