Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

December 20, 1998

Holiday in Hex

Bitmaps roasting on an open fire

Since society is already flooding you with holiday cheer, I thought I’d give you something to sing while you spill eggnog on your keyboard.

The Twelve Days I Owned It
(Tune: Twelve Days of Christmas)

On the first day I owned it, my system did to me
A call to a missing VxD

On the second day I owned it, my system did to me
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the third day I owned it, my system did to me
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the fourth day I owned it, my system did to me
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the fifth day I owned it, my system did to me
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the sixth day I owned it, my system did to me
Six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the seventh day I owned it, my system did to me
Seven keys a-sticking, six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the eighth day I owned it, my system did to me
Eight apps a-crashing,
Seven keys a-sticking, six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the ninth day I owned it, my system did to me
Nine virus warnings, eight apps a-crashing,
Seven keys a-sticking, six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the tenth day I owned it, my system did to me
Ten docs a-scrambling,
Nine virus warnings, eight apps a-crashing,
Seven keys a-sticking, six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the eleventh day I owned it, my system did to me
Eleven floppies flopping, ten docs a-scrambling,
Nine virus warnings, eight apps a-crashing,
Seven keys a-sticking, six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites,
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

On the last day I owned it, my system did to me
Twelve chips a-frying,
Eleven floppies flopping, ten docs a-scrambling,
Nine virus warnings, eight apps a-crashing,
Seven keys a-sticking, six stacks a-flowing,
Five fro-zen screens,
Four overwrites
Three lost files,
Two rotten SIMMs,
And a call to a missing VxD

Microsoft is Taking You Down
(Tune: Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

You better not fight, you better say “Yes;”
Don’t think it’s your right to be a success.
Microsoft is taking you down.

You better not press your case ‘til it’s done.
They’ll write the OS so your program won’t run.
Microsoft is taking you down.

Bill can’t stand competition, or profits that you make.
Looks like you’ve got a good idea
So he’ll crush you in his wake.
(Ha-Ha-Ha)

You better not bluff, you might as well flee.
You charge for your stuff, he’ll bundle it free.
Microsoft is taking you down.

Fast Web Site
(Tune: White Christmas)

I’m dreaming of a fast Web site,
Just like the ones I’ll never know.
Where the download’s grand with
a giant bandwidth at speeds
Electrons long to flow.

I’m dreaming of a fast Web site,
Which to this slow one would contrast.
May your modem disconnects be past,
And may all your Web surfing be fast.

Macintosh, Oh Macintosh
(Tune: Chanukah Oh Chanukah)

Macintosh, Oh Macintosh, of Jobs so dramatic,
Of premium prices, of users fanatic.
Gather round the icon where Steve is the boss
And smugly look at those who use Windoze or DOS.

And while we are cheering
Ourselves for computing right,
Into this fight we sing out with each byte
That our market share can only grow.
Into this fight we sing “Jobs’ always right
“And this Microsoft fad’s gotta go.”

Macintosh Oh Macintosh you’re no Wintel copy
Your ports aren’t parallel you don’t have a floppy.
You’re not like the others--we hold you a-loft
Even if your browser is from Microsoft.

And while we are cheering
Ourselves for computing right,
Into this fight we sing out with each byte
That we know which computer to buy.
Into this blight we sing “Jobs’ always right
“Competition must lay down and die.”