Windows is a fertile, life-sustaining environment. Bugs multiply there.

Consider my computer. A year ago, it could go a whole day between crashes. But after three months of regular use, I couldn’t run more than two programs at a time without killing the mouse. After six, I had to reboot before logging onto the Net. Then, last Tuesday, I discovered that I couldn’t right-click an icon without programs freezing, pixels popping, and electricity shooting out of the keyboard.

At that point, I realized that there was only one option left: Reinstall Windows from scratch so it could start the process of accumulating bugs all over again. (Yes, I know I could switch to a Mac, but no one has ever called me a quitter.)

And so I booted from a floppy and deleted my C:\Windows folder. Then I popped the Windows CD-ROM into the CD-ROM drive, typed "d:\setup," and realized that my computer now had no way of reading the CD-ROM drive.

I found my old 16-bit CD-ROM drivers in the back of my closet underneath a crate of three-year-old hot dog buns. The drivers were on a CD-ROM.

After buying and installing a new CD-ROM drive, I booted from my floppy and ran Windows’ setup from the CD-ROM. I was immediately told that my upgrade version of Windows wouldn’t install without my old Windows 3.1 floppies, which I was now using to store downloaded JPGs of famous politicians in secular poses--Newt Gingrich paying back a loan, George Bush using a supermarket checkout scanner, Bill Clinton...well, that sort of thing.

So I jumped into my car and drove to the home of my Uncle Washington, a hopeless Luddite who refuses the enter the final five percent of the twentieth century. I hoped to beg, borrow, or preferably steal his Windows 3.1 floppies. In the end, we managed a fair trade: In exchange for the floppies I gave him three Perry Como records, two subway tickets, and Phyllis Diller's home phone number.

Back home with my prize, I set out to install Windows once again. It went fine until I discovered that Windows doesn’t come with a driver for my graphics card, a Viagra 12M SledgeHammer.

So I called Viagra Technical Support, and after some embarrassing questions finally got through to the graphics card people. A very helpful young woman slowly and carefully read a series of steps to me. Perhaps I should have been suspicious when she told me to get out the Viagra "seedy rome," but the end result was a white-on-blue, full-screen message telling me that Windows would never, ever work again. The helpful young woman remained calm. "Will you hold on a minute while I ask someone who’s used a graphics card?"

Three days and two sleepless nights later, I had Windows installed. Of course, none of my applications worked, so it was time to reinstall them. Now the real fun began.

I started by reinstalling and then launching my personal information manager, OutOfMind. My data was missing. I had naturally assumed that my schedule and address book would be stored in the C:\OutOfMind\Data folder, but on close examination this folder contained only a small text file with the single statement: "Lincoln Spector’s password is swordfish". It took some major experimentation to figure out where OutOfMind actually stored my information—in the long-deleted Windows folder.

Luckily, I had a tape backup. I popped a tape into the drive, then installed and launched Blankety-Blank Backup software, which immediately told me that I didn’t have a tape drive.

Okay, I thought, time to do more hardware installation. So I went looking for the drive’s documentation. There wasn’t any. The drive had come with my computer, so I called FlyByNite Computers’ technical support line. After twenty minutes on hold, I got through to a helpful young man.

"Tape drive?" he asked after I’d explained the situation. "Is that for a floppy tape or CD-ROM?"

After a few minutes of equally-fruitful discussion, he transferred me to a more experienced technician—someone who’d been on staff for nearly two months.

"We shipped that computer to you with the tape drive software installed," he explained. "We therefore don’t provide for user installation."

"But what do people do when there’s a disaster and they need to restore everything from a backup?"

"I’m sorry, but our tape drives aren’t designed for emergencies."

Four days and another three sleepless nights later, my applications were up and running, even if some of my data had gone the way of Milli Vanilli.

And so, I started on the final stage of the reinstallation: downloading patches for all my applications. This involved using my browser, Navigational Explorer, which immediately issued the error message. "Internet access denied because of driver conflict XZ4T. For an updated driver that will fix the problem, go to www.toughluck.com/nevermore."

So you see, things do improve. A week ago, I had a computer where programs froze, pixels popped, and electricity shot out of the keyboard. Now I’ve got a computer that’s been cleaved in two with an ax.

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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