Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

February 9, 1999

Ask Dr. Deeram

Questionable Answers to Your Unanswerable Questions

I answered this for you last week. Didn't you get it? It was attached to an e-mail message. Oh, alright. Here it is again:

1. Turn on your computer by pressing the power button located on the front panel.
2. Turn on your monitor. See Step 1 for details.
3. Wait until you have not heard the sound of a hard drive for several seconds. Your computer is now running in a special mode called On.
4. Put your right hand on your mouse—the funny-looking thing next to the keyboard.
5. Rest your left hand on your keyboard—the funny-looking thing next to the mouse.
6. With your right hand, slide the mouse until the arrow onscreen is over the button labeled Start. Depress and then let up on the left mouse button with your right index finger.
7. A list of options, referred to as a menu, will appear over the Start button. If you are using Outlook Express as your e-mail program, select "Outlook Express." If you are using Netscape Messenger, select "Netscape Messenger." If you are using America Online, get something serious.
8. Find the message in question, copy the file to the appropriate folder on your hard drive, and then delete it.

Each has its advantages. Windows 98 is the leaner, faster OS, so that on most of today’s PCs at a pace that is almost tolerable. On the other hand, NT 4.0 provides better security, because only the most dedicated hacker can figure out how to use it. And if you wait for NT 5.0, you will be rewarded by a better, more stable operating system--when NT 5.5 ships.

Sorry, Dad.

When the Microsoft-specific code in the page meets the Netscape-specific code in the browser, it produces a sub-hyperspace inversion layer that generates a temporal rift in the fabric of the space-time continuum. This can send your mouse into an alternate reality where Corel is the dominant software company and Bill Gates is assistant manager at a Seattle Wendy's.

Meanwhile, back in our own reality, Microsoft will find out about your violation and as punishment, will force you to beta test Office 2000.

As a way of dividing one hard drive into multiple, virtual hard drives, partitioning software has some definite advantages over a sledgehammer, especially in the area of data integrity.

I recommend that you use multiple partitions as a way to organize your hard drive. For instance, you could put Windows on one partition, your application suite on another, and your data on a third. A fourth partition might contain files you’ve downloaded from the Internet, while a fifth could store all of your lost clusters. Keeping fonts in their own partition allows you to have five font-free partitions, while keeping all of your files with the letter Q on another will make these documents easier to find.

Put it up on the Web, preferably on a page created by an inexperienced, overly-enthusiastic designer. I recommend you use dark blue text against a dark blue background, and liven up the page with an 8MB animated .gif and a sound file of John Phillips Sousa marches.

This depends on the exact nature of your work. For instance, if you’ re a grad student writing a dissertation on the effects of gamma rays on juvenile delinquent gerbils, Strawberry is the obvious choice. But if, on the other hand, your dissertation is on pre-Columbian Central American Art and its influence on Socrates’ daydreams, go with Banana Slug.

Everything changes if you’re working in the private sector. Pink Grapefruit provides the best performance for accountants, while Web developers working within the lucrative mail-order rice patty industry will get their best results with Rotted Kumquat.