Face it—there’s something at the office that’s missing in your home life. But what? The pushy boss? The politics? The backstabber who wants your job? No, you probably have all of these at home.

What you don’t have is a home network. And after all, without the proper connection, how can you e-mail and chat with the person in the next room?

But how do you set up a home network? The standard method starts with buying two or more network interface cards (NICs). To figure out exactly how many NICs you’ll need, take the number of computers you wish to network, multiply that number by six, add nine, divide by three, subtract three, and divide by two. You may also need a hub, a gadget who’s primary function is to provide you with one more AC adapter to plug into the wall. And don’t forget the shielded, twisted pair wire—extremely handy when the time comes to hang yourself.

Once you’ve bought everything you need, you must open each of your computers and install a NIC. These cards come in two varieties, ISA and PCI. And there are two kinds of slots in your computer, PCI and ISA. How can you tell which is which? Easy. If the box your NIC came in says ISA, then the only free slot in your machine will be PCI.

If all of your computers are in one room, that’s where you want the hub. However, if you have computers in the study, living room, kitchen, and on the roof, there will be no convenient central location. In a situation like that, place the hub in the bathroom (although the bathtub is not recommended).

The next step is to run cable from each of your NICs to the hub. Expect to work around such obstacles as walls, floors, and cats. One solution is to string the cabling across common footpaths, pulled taut, about four inches above the floor. If you find this aesthetically troubling, paint the cable the same color as the walls.

When your computers are all connected, it’s time to turn them on. If your NICs were built to the Plug and Play specification, Windows will see them immediately, automatically install the drivers that shipped with the Windows CD-ROM, and reliably refuse to boot. To replace these with the newer, debugged drivers that came with the NICs, simply reinstall Windows.

Now that your hardware is ready, it’s time to install the networking software. You can do this from Control Panel’s Network applet, which allows you to choose a protocol such as TCP/IP, IPX, NetBUI, or OhPleaseMakeThisOneWork. Once you’ve picked a protocol, Windows will ask you to enter an IP address, subset mask, and other parameters that mean absolutely nothing. Just type in numbers and hope your computer doesn’t smell your fear.

When you’ve entered all of the parameters on all of your computers, your new home network should be up and running. Reboot and see if any of your computers can access any of your other computers. Once you’ve observed the result, curse loudly and start the process all over again.

You might at this stage want to throw away your NICs and invest in a special, easy-to-use home networking kit that doesn’t require cabling. These kits use all sorts of clever technological breakthroughs to bypass the need to lay cable. What’s more, they come in brightly-colored boxes. Here are some of the better kits available:

AirHed: Manufactured by Prostate Systems, AirHed connects your computers via radio waves. Simply plug in the cards and their 4-inch RF dishes, dial the tuner to the right station, and hope you don’t e-mail your love letters to a local radio station. For the easiest setup, we recommend that you use AirHed’s proprietary LiteRock protocol.

Phony Connection: A joint venture of MCI, AT&T, TCI, General Electric, and Consolidated Food and Power, Phony Connection interfaces your computers via the telephone wires already in your walls. The money this technical trick saves should almost pay for getting the additional lines you’ll need to use the phone. Phony Connection is extremely simple to set up and use—at least until the phone company splits your house into two area codes.

PlugUp: Networking has never been this easy, and probably never will be. PlugUp uses your home’s AC power lines, and it can be installed without even opening your computer. Just plug the cable into a spare parallel port (you do have one of those, don’t you?), and then find a wall socket for an AC adapter the size of Cleveland. From MinerLeege Software.

EtherealNet: No spare radio waves? No phone lines? No electricity? Gullable Solutions offers a networking technology that doesn’t require any of these. With an EtherealNet board connecting your computer to your brain via a third-eye interface, you can harness your own psychic powers to commune with other systems. With EtherealNet Plus, you may even interface with the ghost of Alan Turing.

If none of these appeal to you, there is one more option left: Cup your hands over your mouth like a megaphone, and shout out "Hey you!"

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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