The deadline was intense. I had two days to turn in the most important article of my career, and I still had eighteen people to interview and three variations of Linux to install. For the last week, I’d been living on a diet of raw tofu and corn chips.

I had just finished a phone interview with the president of the ASPCP (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Programmers). I was just beginning to type my notes—something I must do while the interview was still fresh in my mind—when I heard a voice directly behind me.

"Hi, Lincoln. How’re you doing?"

I leaped out my chair, spun around, and knocked over a month-old stack of paperwork. "Norman? How did you get in here? " You remember Norman, don’t you? President, CIO, and shipping clerk for SoftPop Software? Also my neighbor.

"I came in through the dog door," he explained.

"But I don’t have a dog door."

"You do now. But that’s not what I came over about. Lincoln, you’re the first member of the press to know this: The federal government is taking me to court."

"Indecent exposure, again?"

"No. They’re accusing SoftPop Software of unfair business practices and restraint of trade."

"That’s funny. The feds don’t usually keep that sort of thing a secret. Why haven’t they told anybody?"

As we talked, Norman began leafing through the stacks of papers spread throughout my study. "You know, you really should keep these in alphabetical order. Here, let me re-arrange these for you."

"Norman, I asked you a question. Why haven’t the feds announced that they’re suing you."

"Because they don’t know it yet. But with my current business strategies, they’re bound to get to me sooner or later."

I guess I was hooked. "And what business strategies are these?"

He pulled an envelope out of the pile and examined it. "Gee, Lincoln, here’s your tax return. You must have forgotten to mail it. I’ll just file it under L for late."

"Norman, I’ve got work to do. Get out of my house."

"SoftPop Software has embarked on a series of business strategies that will allow us to innovate and remain competitive," he said, finally answering my question. "If SoftPop is going to continue to lead America into the 21st century, we’re going to have to do something that will impress someone somewhere."

"Such as?"

"Well, I’ll tell you one thing that we’re not doing. Despite rumors to the contrary, we are absolutely not requiring that hardware vendors bundle BottleCapCollection with every one of their computers. Our contracts clearly state that BottleCapCollection need only come pre-installed on computers that ship with a CPU."

"Can I look at one of those contracts?"

"Absolutely not! No one is allowed to look at our contracts, including the companies that sign them. Haphazard Computers recently signed a contract to ship BottleCapCollection and BikePumpReminder with each new system, and they think they’re getting Microsoft Office. It’s the way we do business."

"How would you get a company like Dell to sign that contract without reading it?"

"Hey Lincoln, do you know you have a press release in here for Windows 3.1? Where should I file that? Under D for DOS-based operating system enhancement?

"And speaking of enhancements," he went on, "you know our program BetterPicture?"

"No, I…"

"Of course you do. Well, Apple’s bound to help us get into court when they find out what BetterPicture does to QuickTime. It disables it entirely—makes the old Apple video viewer nothing but a worthless chunk of code."

"And what does BetterPicture do that makes it worth disabling QuickTime. "

"It enhances the experience of watching videos in QuickTime."

"Norman, how can BetterPicture improve the experience of using QuickTime if it disables the program?"

"You see, Lincoln, that’s exactly the sort of questioning that monopolies like SoftPop don’t have to answer."

"But SoftPop isn’t a monopoly."

"Lincoln," Norman cried, holding up another piece of paper, "I didn’t know you wrote poetry. ‘I long for the sweet, soft touch of your…’"

I snatched the paper from his hand, and set it on fire. "Norman, I think you better go now."

"But wait. Don’t you want to see my defense videotape."

"Norman, you haven’t even been charged."

"But I made this great tape already. I stare grimly into the camera and tell them that everything in my previous tape was wrong. And I demonstrate how quickly I can remove DishWasherTimer from your hard drive—it’s amazing what you can do with a video camera and time-lapse photography. Where’s your VCR?"

That’s when I got the idea. "It’s in the shop," I answered. "Let’s watch it at your house."

"Okay." He walked out the front door. I quickly shut it, locked it, and moved a piano in front of the new dog door.

Returning to my study, I sat down to finish my notes on the interview. My mind, of course, was a complete blank. But my desk was still overflowing.

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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