Gigglebytes, May 11, 1999

Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

May 11, 1999

Better Boxes

Revolution for the routine of it

Last Tuesday at a packed news conference, Microsoft and Intel announced their plans for a new, easier-than-ever PC standard, code-named Golden Delicious.

"The Golden Delicious is about choice," explained Microsoft Vice President in Charge of Vaporware Al Bush. "Choice and compatibility. Compatibility and style. Style and ease-of-use. Ease-of-use and the 21st century. The 21st century and the Internet. The Internet and choice. Choice and compatibility. Compatibility and…"

One obvious break from past PC tradition is in the shape and color of the new machines. "A year ago all desktop computers were beige boxes," Bush explained. "Thanks to some technological breakthroughs, manufacturers will be able to make computers in any shape and color they choose."

The proof of his promise was exhibited in a nearby hall, where reporters found computers shaped like Mount Rushmore and giant cockroaches, some sporting pink and green spirals. An iMac left by some joker was quickly and quietly removed.

Also on display were the new technologies that will make this breakthrough possible. These included a startling line of curved, twisted, and warped motherboards inspired by the work of Salvador Dali. Even more breathtaking was a colorful liquid that will soon be available to computer manufacturers everywhere—paint.

Well-Aged Ports

In order to make PCs more friendly once you’ve turned them on, The Golden Delicious specifications call for a new standard port that you can interface with anything from mice to mainframes. "But we ’re not calling it a port," added George Gore, Intel’s Executive in Charge of Talking to Reporters. "We felt the word was too ‘high-tech’ for home users. After extensive research with computer novices and trained kangaroos, we’ve settled on a new term for this entire category of hardware. From now on, all ports will be called Port-Like Utility Grommets, or PLUGs."

With the entire technology suddenly easier thanks to a simple change of nouns, Gore went on to explain the specifications for the new Extended Architecture Relay standard for plugging things into your computer. "EAR PLUGs are designed as a solution to the confusing array of input and output connectors we now have to contend with. Today we have to deal with serial PLUGs, parallel PLUGs, USB PLUGs, mouse PLUGs, keyboard PLUGs, and wall sockets. But a year from now, we’ ll have serial PLUGs, parallel PLUGs, USB PLUGs, mouse PLUGs, keyboard PLUGs, wall sockets, and EAR PLUGs."

The EAR PLUG standard will be built around Microsoft’s new PnP.TTWRMI (Plug and Play—This Time We Really Mean It) specification. Any PnP.TTWRMI-supported peripheral that you plug into a PnP.TTWRMI-supported connector is guaranteed to work immediately on the first try or your computer will never be the same again.

But this sort of breakthrough can’t be accomplished with hardware alone. Microsoft is committed to supporting Golden Delicious technology in future versions of Windows. "It won’t be in Windows 2000," Bush admitted, "but we expect to get it into some version of Windows somewhere along the line. Probably the next time we totally rewrite the code and expect everyone to update their software."

Intensive Self-Care Unit

Other Golden Delicious features will be added to Windows in a more timely manner. By late summer, a free upgrade on a $6.95 CD-ROM will help computers take care of themselves without user interference. " Does your toaster ask you if you want to update its English muffin drivers?" asked Bush. "No. It manages the update quietly all by itself." The upgraded Windows 98 will behave likewise, automatically updating hardware drivers and on-screen advertising without user interference.

One particularly revolutionary new feature will be Microsoft’s new anti-virus program. "We’ll start out by e-mailing the AV program to a small number of people," Bush explained. "Once our code encounters a program, it will latch itself onto it, and from there monitor virus activity. When someone using that computer sends e-mail to others, our AV software will travel with that e-mail, spreading rapidly throughout the world until everyone has it."

In an effort to make the Windows environment easier for novices, many of the standard file and folder names will be changed. In addition to My Computer and My Documents, you will now see My Program Files, My Registry, My Start Menu, and My Copy of Windows Although Microsoft Really Owns the Copyright.

As a final demonstration of just how easy Golden Delicious computers will eventually be, a prototype—this one shaped like an aardvark contemplating the theory of relativity--was rolled on stage. "We’re now going to prove to you that you will be able to turn on the computer of the future with a single flick of the index finger." Bush and Gore spent the remaining 15 minutes of the news conference trying to find the on switch.

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