Software Quite Limited, how can I help you?

Terrific! Do you use Bignsoft OfficeChair to handle your word processing, spreadsheet, and other business application needs?

May I recommend the SplatterJet 500, the only printer optimized for use with Bignsoft OfficeChair applications? The SplatterJet can print all of your Wordy and Excess files.

Can your current one?

Then you’d better get the SplatterJet 500. Besides, it comes with a tray for printing envelopes.

Absolutely. Now let’s get some information on you down so we can send you one.

So, we have your name, address, e-mail address, phone number, credit card number, mother’s maiden name, father’s mother’s maiden name, mother’s father’s mother’s father’s maiden name, your expected date of death, and the name of your favorite Teenage Mutant Turtle. I guess we can send your SplatterJet 500.

By the way, you are using Bignsoft OfficeChair 2000, aren’t you?

Of course not. Well, nothing serious. Not likely to kill you, anyway. It’s just that OfficeChair 98 has been known to crash the SplatterJet 500.

Very simple: It makes the printer jump three feet into the air. But there’s a simple solution: Just buy the upgrade to OfficeChair 2000. You really want the latest version anyway.

Everything. The entire suite has been redesigned from the ground up. Even your data files get ground up.

For one thing, it’s completely Web-enabled. Save a Wordy document, and it’s a Web page. Same with an Excess worksheet or a PowerPunt presentation.

Bignsoft has totally reconceived the concept of "spreadsheet" to make Excess not just Web-enabled but Web-obsessed. For instance, whereas before you’d click that little icon to sum a column of numbers, now you click it to insert a link to Bignsoft’s site and post the column of numbers so that anyone can sum it on their own.

Don’t you see? You don’t have to. You can insert a link to Bignsoft’s site and post the column of numbers so that anyone can sum it on their own.

And that’s not half of it. Every Excess function has been Web-enhanced. For instance, Average() now returns the average number of clicks you get in a day.

Wordy 2000 is the consummate merge tool. Say you have your form letter up on one Web page, your mailing list on another. Just click a link and all of your potential customers are e-mailed a link to Bignsoft’s Web site. E-mail goes out to each of them with automated links to your page. Speaking of e-mail, each message is a fully-formatted Web page with over 9MB of graphics.

But OfficeChair 2000 is really designed for collaboration. You and your co-workers share everything in the new OfficeChair environment. Write a new report, and everyone on your network can read it, comment on it, and improve it. The same goes for a company budget, a presentation, and erotic e-mail.

Not anymore! With OfficeChair 2000, everyone on the Internet can be your collaborator.

What was that? I could have sworn I heard you say that you don’t use the Internet very much.

Well, OfficeChair 2000 is easier. The menus are intelligent. For instance, Wordy’s Tools menu has only three options, leaving out pointless things like Spelling, Envelopes, and Customize.

Real simple. You just go to the Tools menu and select Customize. And if selecting a non-existent menu option isn't easy enough for you, you can let Wordy do it automatically. All of those great tools that used to be on the Tools menu are now in the Help menu, under Help, Get It Here, Stuff, More Stuff, Stuff You Might Want to Use Occasionally, Stuff That Was Once On the Tools Menu. The first time you use an option off of that menu, Wordy moves it automatically to the Tools menu, which grows from three items to seventy-three as you continue to use or accidentally select items.

Did I mention that you can now delete an entire word with one keystroke?

Great! I’ll just add it to your order. By the way, what kind of computer do you own?

Well, OfficeChair 2000 does run on a Pentium-II 350, but it’s not an optimal system for such a powerful program. If you’d rather spend less than five minutes loading a document, perhaps you should buy a…

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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