Gigglebytes

by Lincoln Spector

August 10, 1999

Easy Answers

There are no computer-related problems too big to be ignored

Y2K
Governments and large corporations have ignored this minor data-processing oversight for decades. With possible catastrophes only a few short months away, it’s clearly this is not the time to change strategies. What’s the worst that can happen? Every computer, power plant, phone company, TV station, and printing press in the world will go down on January 1st? A story like that won’t even make the evening news.

Microsoft’s Monopoly
The Justice Department says Microsoft threatens every other computer company in the world with its aggressive and unfair tactics. But according to Microsoft, the industry is filled with evil piranha that would chew up the good company in an instant if it turned its attention away from world domination and thought about, say, quality control. The only workable solution: First, we break up Microsoft into multiple companies—one selling coffee, another motor oil, and one designing software and bent on world domination. But these new companies must be able to innovate and improve their products in a stress-free environment. So let's give them special permission to utilize price-fixing, false advertising, and murder in their quest to compete with AOL, local coffee shops, Jiffy Lube, and the Justice Department.

Repetitive Stress Injury
Is this really a problem? So what if people’s arms hurt a little from spending too much time typing and playing with a mouse? Look at the advantages: If their arms didn’t hurt, they’d spend all their time at their computers, and that might lead to permanent brain damage. But for people who believe RSI is a problem, there is a solution: Vary your routine. On Monday, work with the keyboard and mouse in front of you. On Tuesday, place them behind you. Come Wednesday, type with your feet, and on Thursday, with your nose. Reserve Friday for procrastinating.

Internet Pornography
There’s no question about it: People are using the Internet as a medium for sexually-charged, erotic material, something that was never done with movies, books, or cave paintings. The first course of action is to study the problem in detail. Spend hours every day examining the wealth of libidinous material on the Web, and you’ll realize that online erotica breaks down into two distinct categories: unacceptable and offensive pornography that should be banned outright, and the good stuff that turns you on. If you concentrate on the second category, you won’t worry about the first.

Internet Performance
Thanks to the onslaught of streaming video, streaming audio, and streaming tobacco juice, the Internet is slower than ever. In fact, today the average Web page takes 5.34 minutes to download, an increase of 5.34 minutes over download times just five years ago. The obvious solution—get a cable modem—isn’t practical because a) your cable company has only so much money for setting up the service in your area and has already spent that on advertising, and b) your cable company is connected to the Internet’s "backbone" via a 14.4 modem. The true solution lies in intelligent agents, which can search the Internet, identifying the people who design massive Web pages or send e-mail with huge attachments, and organize an angry mob to burn down their houses.

Privacy
This is another "problem" that’s really a benefit. Before computers and the Internet, retail companies wanting to target potential customers had to pay an army of private detectives to shadow every possible consumer. But thanks to our technological society, all of this gumshoe work is now done electronically, freeing up corporate money for telephone soliciting and backing despotic third world dictatorships. I realize that many people feel that corporate spying via the Internet has a devastating effect on our personal liberty. These people should be watched carefully.

Information Overload
Is there too much data being thrown at us? Are we being buried in a sea of words, pictures, numbers, and statistics from which we can’t possibly escape? Are facts attacking us from all sides like angry monkeys descending on a hapless used car salesman and pummeling him with overworked metaphors? The solution to infoglut is simple, direct, and in your hands. If what you’ re reading isn’t yielding useful information, just stop. Immediately. Even in the middle of a sentence if you have