A: A LAN, or Local Area Notwork, is a collection of two or more personal computers hooked together so that if one crashes, they all crash.

To set up a LAN, you must buy and install special interface cards, hook these cards up to a hub by means of overpriced wires, and spend at least three weeks reinstalling multiple versions of Windows.

If this sounds like too much money and work, you can approximate the effect of a LAN by placing multiple computers in the same room so that users can shout at each other.

A: Your cat has clearly taken possession of your computer. Frustrated by her inability to eat the mouse or find useful fishing information on the Web, tabby has used her feline telekinetic powers to enter your PC and take control away from Bill Gates.

Try appeasing her with a can of sardines, half of them in her food dish (to tempt her out) and the other half carefully inserted into the floppy drive. If this doesn’t work, drive her out, either by hissing loudly at the computer or by attaching a large dog via the serial port.

A: You’re just going through a withdrawal period. It’s natural, and before you know it, you’ll be thinking like a Mac person—allowing Apple to decide how your computer is configured while you assume a superior sneer whenever some poor idiot mentions Windoze.

But if you find the transition too difficult, you may want to download MacRegEdit, a free program that emulates Windows’ Registry editor, allowing you to type in obscure hex code to control how your Mac uses .dlls and what the right-button does. To make the experience more realistic, a wrong setting in MacRegEdit will render your Mac unbootable.

A: It depends on the type of knot you tie. A slip knot, for instance, will allow a large and destructive surge to slip by, while a square knot could keep your graphic subsystem from displaying any rectangles.

The best knot to use for power control is the noose. If properly applied, a noose will guarantee that you need never worry about a power surge again.

A: The first thing you should try is scanning your hard drive. If that doesn’t work, defrag your hard drive. Then reformat, reinstall, and replace your hard drive.

If the problem persists, try switching to Windows 98 Second Edition. This version allows for better Internet access across networks, which is totally irrelevant to your problem, but it also leaves out TweakUI, possibly the most useful tool Microsoft ever bundled with Windows.

You might also want to consider replacing your scanner. Then your printer, mouse, modem, monitor, and office chair. If the problems still persist, try refinancing your mortgage.

It’s a good idea to clean your desktop once or twice a year. Start by carefully sorting through all of your papers, pencils, and rotting food. Once you have decided what to do with each item and thrown them all away, use a mild solvent and a rag to clean up the dust and coffee stains.

Now, then, about the My Computer icon. Windows doesn’t allow you to delete this icon for your own protection. If you deleted My Computer, your entire system would disappear in a puff of code. Which, come to think of it, would be a big help when you’re cleaning up your desktop.

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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