It started as a typical morning. I was sipping coffee while surfing the Web, researching the recycling of belly button lint. I was nearing the end of a 12MB download—a lint-cataloging program complete with illustrated instructions—when my modem connection suddenly remembered it had important business in Buenos Aires and went south for the winter. I reacted like any experienced computer user. I threw my coffee mug full force at the monitor.

Like I said, typical. Except this time, the mug hit its target. When the smoke cleared, I could see that my monitor and cup wouldn’t be of much use anymore. Naturally, I responded like any rational human being. I picked up my printer and threw it on the floor.

And so I made a visit to CyberAged, a store that specializes in used computer equipment. Here I could buy an inexpensive printer and monitor that were, perhaps, a bit more functional than mine. I settled on a LaserBrain 5 inkjet printer and, for the monitor, a Seppuku CatScan 5000.

I had just signed the credit card slip when a question came to mind. "Do you have drivers for these?"

"No," the salesman answered confidently. "You don’t need them. Just download the drivers from the manufacturers’ Web sites." There’s no optimism like the optimism of people who don’t have to follow their own advice.

I took my new toys home, plugged them in, and booted Windows. At least, I think I booted Windows. It’s hard to say since what I saw on the screen looked more like a vibrating green energy-based creature from the planet Tarfalootin. Clearly my new monitor wasn’t going to be happy with the old driver.

There was nothing left for me to do but shut down Windows without benefit of a screen—a little like competing in the Indiana 500 in a motorized sensory deprivation tank—and reboot in Safe Mode. Safe Mode, if you haven’t experienced it, is just like regular Windows, only it’s slower, uglier, and isn’t compatible with anything.

But one thing you can do in Safe Mode is change your monitor driver. In fact, Safe Mode would have been a perfect place to install the Seppuku CatScan 5000 driver, except that the Windows CD-ROM only had drivers for the CatScan 4999 and 5001.

I tried both, of course. The 4999 driver displayed the entire image in a one-inch oval at the center of the screen. The 5001 driver popped up a warning that if I used the driver on anything but the intended monitor, giant spiders would descend from the heavens and consume my cat. After much trial and error, I determined that the only driver that would work with my new monitor was the Windows Standard Pathetic, which gave me 640x480 resolution with only two colors—purple and magenta.

Finally escaping from Safe Mode, I rebooted, went online, and headed for Seppuku’s Web site. The home page was dominated by several high-definition photographs of people smiling happily at their computer monitors (how often do you see that in real life?), and one word: Enter.

I entered. The next page contained more photos of happy users, plus an entire sentence: "Seppuku: Click here for lifelong satisfaction!" I did.

Fifteen pages later, I finally found a list of downloadable drivers. Hundreds of them, dating all the way back to the CatScan 6500.

It was time to go looking for the Tech Support page. I found it off the Reseller Newsletter page via a link that said "Warning: Do not click here." There I found an FAQ with answers to "Why can’t I plug the monitor into my nose?" and "How do I turn the monitor on so I can read your answer to this question?" But nothing about drivers.

But I did find an e-mail address for Seppuku’s technical support team. I sent off my question, and got an almost instant reply: "Thank you for sending us your question. We will answer it as soon as we run out of better things to do."

After 46 minutes, the download was 99 percent complete. At 78 minutes, it was still 99 percent complete. After 104 minutes, someone in Alaska sneezed and my Internet connection went the way of Phillipe Kahn’s career.

That was it. Before I knew it, my new coffee cup was inside the Seppuku CatScan 5000 monitor. Seeing the results of my destructive impulses, I sighed and told myself that I needed a long and calming walk. But first, I smashed the LaserBrain 5 inkjet printer.

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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