October 26, 1999
Judge, Jury, and Executable
What should we do about Microsoft?
Let’s assume for a moment that the U.S. Justice Department will prevail in
its case against Microsoft. And let’s also assume (I know I’m stretching
credibility here) that Microsoft loses on the inevitable appeal. What will
happen if the government decides to break up the biggest monopoly since Parker
Brothers’ board game.
The All Souls Day Scenario
At the last minute, Bill Gates receives help from his oldest and most reliable
collaborator, Satan. In return for 358 shares of Microsoft stock, preferred, an
agreement to network Hell directly into the Internet, and his immortal soul,
Gates is allowed to keep Microsoft intact for the duration of his natural life.
Eventually, of course, Gates’ body is torn apart by angry Microsoft Bob users,
and his soul must spend eternity in the netherworld. There Satan discovers that
the current ovens aren’t compatible with Gates’ soul, forcing an expensive
upgrade to Hades 7.0, now renamed Hell 2010. This requires the use of expanded
pitchforks, which won’t ship for at least another two years. Unable to burn
Gates’ soul, Satan instead puts it on Hell’s tech support line, where it
must answer questions from troubled demons whose torture devices keep breaking
down.
The Business Scenario
In order to keep the feds from acting on the court finding, Microsoft buys the
U.S. government. (This scenario assumes, of course, that General Electric is
willing to sell.) Talk about the perfect match! The government already runs as
if its on Windows. Once Redmond controls Washington, it makes a number of
changes to help keep the computer revolution moving on its current course. For
instance, all government Web sites will require Internet Explorer, while AOL
executives are taken out and shot.
The Traditional Scenario
Microsoft works out a deal where it admits to no wrong-doing, and promises that
it will never do anything wrong again. More specifically, the company agrees to
make Windows available at a reasonable price to all hardware vendors--even those
that insist upon giving customers the option to buy a non-Microsoft operating
system. Microsoft honors its word, and makes Windows available to these
companies...Windows 1.0.
The Property Sale Scenario
Microsoft is required to sell off some of its assets, but is allowed to choose
which ones it can keep. It chooses to keep Windows, Office, its mouse and
keyboard, Money, and the Microsoft Network. The assets it sells off include a
few desks, some used floppy drives, food that has been sitting in employee
refrigerators for the last two years, and Bill Gates’ public image.
The Share the Wealth Scenario
Microsoft is ordered to ship Linux with every copy of Microsoft Windows, Lotus
Notes with every copy of Microsoft Office, and a Scandinavian shot-putter named
Doug with every Microsoft Mouse. This forces Redmond to invest in companies it
traditionally thought of as competitors, as well as some it traditionally
preferred to not think of at all. This almost brings the company to ruin, but in
the end it’s saved by the surprise revival and success of Microsoft Bob.
The Basic Division Scenario
On federal orders, Microsoft is split into three pieces. The first sells
Windows, the second Office, Exchange, BackOffice, and MSN, and the third The
Magic School Bus Explores the World of Animals. The Windows Company, responding
reflexively, immediately rewrites the operating system so that none of the other
programs work. Soon there are no programs left in the world that will work under
Windows, the company goes bankrupt, and everyone lives happily ever after.
The Alternate Division Scenario
On federal orders, Microsoft is split up into three pieces. The first sells
Windows, Office, Exchange, BackOffice, and MSN, and the Magic School Bus
Explores the World of Animals. The second sells Windows, Office, Exchange,
BackOffice, and MSN, and the Magic School Bus Explores the World of Animals. The
third sells…well, you know. Bill Gates, using the money he’s received from
selling the companies, buys them back and merges them into one new company,
MacroFirm.
The King Lear Scenario
Bill Gates is forced to split Microsoft into three different companies, giving
each to a separate executive. The real problems start when Gates offers
Microsoft Internet products to Steve Balmer, but first asks Balmer how much of
the profits will go back to Gates. Balmer’s answer, "Nothing, my
boss," raises Gates’ wrath, moving him to split Internet products between
operating systems and applications. In the end, Gates repents his rash decisions
while left outside in a raging Seattle storm.
What would you like to see done with Microsoft if it loses in court? Send
your answers to
lincoln@dnai.com.
If I get enough funny answers, I’ll publish them.
© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector
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