Y2K is almost here. Are you ready for the millennium? Will your computer roll over? Are you ready to defend yourself against marauding bands of vandals (or join them)? Have you bought enough champagne?

I didn’t think so. Here’s a final checklist for the biggest New Year’s Eve of your life:

Your PC may not roll over to the next century, although it may roll over and play dead. Here are three ways to fix this problem:

1) You can buy an add-in card, such as TimeBandit’s KnotaFix.

b) You can test your computer’s Y2K-compliancy with a free diagnostic like TimeBandit’s KnotaTest. If your system isn’t compliant, KnotaTest will tell you to buy the KnotaFix board. If your system is compliant, it will lie and tell you to buy the KnotaFix board.

III) You can change the date manually the first time you boot in the new century. However, this technique could result in a financial disaster for TimeBandit Inc.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved if you can hold out for Windows 2000.

Even if your hardware is ready, your applications may have Y2K problems. To find out, go to the vendors’ Web sites and read their Y2K compliance statements. After you’ve read that the program you’re using will have absolutely no problems handling the new century, relax. After all, has a software company ever lied to you?

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved if you can hold out for Windows 2000.

Have you ever typed a date with a two-digit year? Do you employ, work with, or otherwise consort with anyone who has done such a thing?

If so, shame on you! Fly immediately to Washington D.C. and make a full confession before HUYC (that’s the House UnY2K Committee). Be sure to name names.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved if you can hold out for Windows 2000.

Unlike the PC, the internal clock inside a Macintosh will roll over to the new century just fine. Therefore, if you use a Mac, you can spend the rest of this week walking about with a smug expression on your face (you’re probably good at that), telling Windoze users that Y2K is someone else’s problem. You’ll have plenty of time next week to deal with all of the problems caused by your non-compliant software and data.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved if you trade your Macs for something that runs Windows 2000.

Personal computers are the easy part of the problem. Embedded systems, such as the computerized cash registers, subway trains, and nuclear reactors found in most homes, are a much greater challenge. There is, quite simply, no way you can identify and replace all of the non-compliant chips in these machines before the end of the week.

So what can you do? The simplest solution is to set the date on these systems back to 1969, the last leap year to begin on a Saturday. However, for this to work properly, you’ll have to wear a paisley shirt and bell-bottoms.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved when you can run your computerized cash registers, subway trains, and nuclear reactors on Windows 2000.

It’s just possible that, come midnight on December 31st, your bank will not know that you exist, making it extremely difficult for you to withdraw any of your money. On the other hand, the bank won’t know how much money you owe on your credit card. Don’t you wish you’d thought of this before you went holiday shopping?

To avoid going broke, close down all of your accounts before the end of the year, then send the cash to me for safe keeping.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved if you do your banking with Windows 2000.

When midnight strikes, electric power will go out all over the world, nuclear power plants will overheat and melt down, and airliners will fall from the sky—unless, of course, they collide with Russian missiles on the way down. This is likely to cause widespread panic, with people running through the streets, trampling each other, and generally acting like Megadeath fans at a Ricky Martin concert. This could put a real crimp in your evening.

If you live in a major city, get out to a safe place in the country before 1999 ends. If you live in the country, get out your gun and shoot every city slicker you see.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem will be solved if you can hold out for Windows 1900.

According to the current action movie End of Days, Satan must mate with a woman in New York during the last hour of 1999 if he is to take control of the Universe. This is all based on the well-accepted fact that Hell is situated in the 212 area code.

So if you’re a woman living in New York, get out of town.

According to Microsoft, this particular problem is a non-issue, as Lucifer is planning to spend the holiday in Redmond.

And remember, the millennium doesn’t actually start until January 1, 2001. Which means we’ll have to go through all of this again next year.

© Copyright 1999 by Lincoln Spector

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